If he couldn’t be on TV, Donald Trump would be tormented on a daily basis by associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones.
Which he is anyway, as readers of this apocryphal newspaper already know.
Early this morning, Sleepy Ben Carson and the rest of Trump’s Made for TV Cabinet, including Almost On Her Way Out Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen and Big Mike Pompeo (just back from attending Bigtime Trump fan but very boring Bolsonaro’s inauguration in Brasilia), were forced to endure yet another photo-op in the Situation Room (but CNN’s irritating, staccato-fire, talkiest host, Wolf Blitzer, was not allowed to observe).
Trump, who exercises his vocal cords to lie and cheat every day, then forced his silently reluctant but obsequious Cabinet to listen to his rendition of “The Twelve Days of Christmas.”
“On the Twelfth Day of my Shutdown, Melania said to me:
‘Donald, I don’t like you.’
"On the Eleventh Day of my Shutdown, Pelosi said to me:
‘We don’t like you.’
“On the Tenth Day of my Shutdown, Schumer said to me:
‘And I’ll tell you why!’
“On the Ninth Day of my Shutdown, when he was still Speaker, Ryan said to me:
‘You’re a damn fool!’
“On the Eighth Day of my Shutdown, McCarthy said to me:
‘Sir, best not do it!’
“On the Seventh Day of my Shutdown, Meadows said to me:
‘Sir, I’ve got your back! Don’t give up!'
“On the Sixth Day of my Shutdown, McConnell said to me:
‘I told you not to!’
“On the Fifth Day of my Shutdown, Hannity said to me:
'Donald, you’re the bestest!’
“On the Fourth Day of my Shutdown, Mulvaney said to me:
'Sir, the numbers support you!’
“On the Third Day of my Shutdown, Ivanka said to me:
‘Daddy, I love you!’
“On the Second Day of my Shutdown, Jared said to me:
‘Please send me to Jerusalem!’
“On the First Day of my Shutdown, the WaPo said to me:
‘Trump, you’re an idiot!’
As he scrutiinized all the tired faces of his Cabiniet, Trump turned to ASR Jones, who promptly told him, “Sir, I never thought you had the tiniest bit of self-understanding, but since you’ve made such a damn fool of yourself with your stupid-ass shutdown, now I’m beginning to think you do.”
Secret Service Director Randolph Alles escorted Jones out of the White House and told her to never come back.