Christmas Day, 2018
Poor Donald Trump. He’s home alone in his White House, because Melania took Barron to Mar-a-Lago. Sensible woman.
Trump wanted to be there but he’s caused yet another crisis, namely, shutting down a quarter of the federal workforce in his spat with Congress. He expects Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer to come crawling to him. But that ain’t gonna happen.
And his Treasury Secretary, Steven Mnuchin, trying to calm investors on Wall Street, instead caused one of the bigest stock market slides all year.
In the midst of his doldrums, who should be escorted into Trump’s Oval Office but 38-year old Macauley Culkin, the star of the 1990 comedy, Home Alone.
Culkin has published an autobiography, Junior, which Trump has not read, because he doesn’t read, he just watches Fox News and tweets.
Culkin told Trump to grow up, which did not please him at all. But before the deserved insult, Trump did, for a moment, think of asking daughter Tiffany Trump, who is single, 25, and blond, to join them. Culkin is divorced, so Trump thought initially of asking her to meet good-looking Culkin, but after the insult, he called the Secret Service to get the actor out of his White House.
Next, Pope Francis was teleported into Trump’s Oval Office through the good efforts of our chief international correspondent, associate solitary reporter Larry Theis. Theis is fluent in Spanish, so he deftly asked His Holiness to visit Trump and teach him a thing or two about the true meaning of Christmas.
Francis had famously told the world that anybody who does what Trump is doing at our southern border is not a Christian, so when he saw the Pope come in, he called the Secret Service after yelling at His Holiness for being a fake Christian.
But Francis, who has infinitely more savoir faire than Trump, sat patiently with the Liar-in-Chief for several minutes and, miraculously, Trump began to calm down.
At the end of their interview, Trump told associate soitary reporter Johanna Jones to tell Acting Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney to end, immediately, his family separation policy, especially after a second Guatemalan minor died in Border Control custody.
Becasue of the Pope’s visit, there is a slim ray of hope that Trump will grow up and act like someone who deserves the peoples’ trust.