To Replace Mattis, Trump Taps Flynn After Pardoning Him, Because He Knows McConnell Will Get Him Confirmed

The District of Columbia has two rivers: the Potomac and the Anacostia.


In years gone by, the land in the District of Columbia used to be pretty much a swamp. 


Has Donald Trump cleaned the swamp since January 20, 2017?


The answer is clear — after all, Washington is Washington, and backstabbing is a finely-practised art in Washington.


Trump’s Secretary of Defense, General James Mattis — who is

well-respected on Capitol Hill — appropriately resigned after Trump suddenly, and with essentially no warning to allies or anybody, announced he’s letting Vladimir Putin solidify his hold on Syria.


Trump was forced by his developer father, Frederick Christ (true!) Trump Sr., to attend New York Military Academy because he was a really badass kid. He would sneak out to Manhattan from the Trump home in Queens, and go to Manhattan without permission.


Early this morning, associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones had her typically impolite conversation with Trump.


She asked him why General Mattis had decided to leave in February.


“Johanna,” Trump began, "I used to like generals — after all, General Mikey Flynn — you know, the guy Obama — who was born in Indonesia or Kenya, I never can remember which — and I don’t care anything about either of those places because they are both inhabited by people

of color — fired in 2014 from his job as Director of National

Intelligence— anyway — don’t interrupt me Johanna!! — General Mikey Flynn — though a  Democrat, and he still is — campaigned for me because he was so pissed at Obama for firing him — and General

Kelly — you know, the guy I haven’t been speaking to for months

now — and General Mattis --- but they keep telling me what I can’t do, or what I shouldn’t do — and all I’ve ever wanted to do in life (other than having my way with women whenever I want (and by the way Johanna, you’re pretty damn cute yourself, and you’re only 25) — has been to tell other people what to do (including FIRING them — and for other people to do for me what I want and not what they think I should do.” 


“But I always liked Mikey Flynn, and he was really helpful to me in making connections with my close personal friend, Russian Ambassador Sergei Kislyak, during my beautifully and superbly and perfectly and fantastically organized transition, only he got crossways with my Chief Lackey, Mike Pence — but I always liked Mikey Flynn, and I tried my best to get Comey to go easy on him, and I’m gonna pardon him now, Johanna, ‘cause I always do only I what  want, and not what other people want me to do!”


“That’s why I’m pardoning Flynn, and then I’m gonna nominate him to be my Secretary of Defense. He’s a man of great integrity, and McConnell will, for sure, get him confirmed for me."


And now, Trump wants to fire Jerome Powell, the man he appointed as Chairman of the Federal Reserve System.


So ASR Jones asked him why he wants to fire Powell.


“Damn it Johanna! You're such a fr___n' pest! Of course I'm gonna fire Powell, 'cause he’s drivin' up interest rates, which is gonna make it harder and harder for Don Junior and Eric to build casinos and resorts wherever they're not needed.”


“Johanna, you’re cute as a button — and you're only 25, but you are such a damn smartass — why don't you just sit down and rewrite the Constitution for me -- I’ve never bothered to read the damn thing anyway — so I can have as much power as my close personal friends Xi Jingpin, Kim Jongun, and Vlad Putin?”


As Trump was signing papers to pardon Paul Manafort, Flynn, and George Papadapoulos, Jones curtseyed and ran out of Trump’s Oval Office as fast as she could before he could throw her onto the White House lawn (she’s been there many times). Jones was an Olympic class runner at Anacostia High School.