Why Melania Won't Be at Mar-a-Lago on Saturday with Putin and Assad

In public, Melania pretends to like her husband, but she does love Barron, whom she plans to install as the Prime Minister of Slovenia. He’s fluent in Slovene, and Slovenia is so much more scenic than Gotham, Bedminister, or South Florida, most of which will be under water in 3018.


After falsely declaring victory over ISIS yesterday and announcing that he’s pulling 2,000 American military advisers out of Syria (https://www.npr.org/2018/12/19/678294375/u-s-withdraws-forces-from-syria-following-white-house-orders; https://www.politico.com/story/2018/12/19/trump-us-troops-in-syria-10), Donald Trump immediately invited Влади́мир Влади́мирович Пу́тин (Vladimir Putin) and Murderer-in-Chief بشار حافظ الأسد‎ (Bashar al-Assad) to Mar-a-Lago so they can praise him to the skies; but Melania won’t have anything to do with it. Associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones observed all this with great interest.


Trump sees himself as the 天皇 (Emperor) of the World as well as a political samurai (侍). Japan is now the only country in the world with an emperor.


Trump precipitately made his Syria pull-out announcement as a diversionary tactic, knowing full well that Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s geting closer and closer, only two days after his top advisers said that the US is fully engaged in the fight against ISIS in Syria and has no plans to leave. Trump’s perverse overruling of all sensible advice seems very closely related to his lust to get back on the links no later than tomorrow at Mar-a-Lago, where he thrives on being admired by attractive younger women and obsequious, mostly bald rich men. Tomorrow’s the last day for him to wheedle and deal on funding for his Wall, but his often unwilling ally, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, who’s a helluva lot smarter politically than the man who hijacked the GOP, promises there will be no partial government shutodown.


Isolationist Sen. Rand Paul (TP-Kentucky) said it’s a great idea for us to pull out of Syria, but former presidential candidate Lindsey Graham (R-SC), Senate Foreign Relations Committee Chairman Bob Corker (R-Tennessee), and many other Republican leaders condemned it — both the process and the substance.


Trump, the would-be Emperor, thinks he’s the smartest leader in the world when it comes to international relations. He tweeted, about his Syria move, that Russia wouldn’t be happy about it, but Putin — who actually, unlike Trump, has extensive experience in international

relations -- upended Trump by saying he agrees with him (https://www.politico.com/story/2018/12/20/putin-applauds-trump-syria-decision-1070946).


In 1974, Richard Nixon, another scandal-plagued Republican, declared victory in Vietnam and set in motion America’s ignominious withdrawal from that war-ravaged country.


In the same way, Trump announced yesterday that he has single-handedly defeated ISIS. 


In doing so, Trump pulled the rug out from under his close personal friend, בִּנְיָמִין "בִּיבִּי” נְתַנְיָהוּ‬ (Benjamin (“Bibi”) Netanyahu).


Your solitary reporter, and many others, have looked at Netanyahu’s هضبة الجولان‎ (Golan Heights) from טְבֶרְיָה (Tiberias, a resort at the southern end of יָם כִּנֶּרֶת‬ (the Sea of Galilee, which is a big lake)). From there, the Golan Heights are very close.


In the Six-Day War of 1967 (when your solitary reporter was in law school, totally perplexed in the course on Future Interests and pondering his own future, and trying to figure out whether the Rule Against Perpetuities means anything), Israel captured most of the Golan Heights from Syria, and Assad wants it back, but Son-in-Law-in-Chief Jared Kushner is adamantly opposed, and Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) is nervous about the idea. Now that Trump’s pulling the plug on Syria, what’s to keep Assad from amassing millions of Syrians and other impolite people (read; foreign fighters) from marching straight into Israel and on to Jerusalem? Sure, Netanyahu has lots of ways of keeping them out — nukes anyone? Well, after all, Netanyahu has a really pretty wall at مجدل شمس.‎ (Majdal Shams), a Druze town in the Occupied Golan. If you google Majdal Shams, you can see a picture of — guess what? an unpretty wall with lots of barbed wire.


After Trump won fewer popular votes than Hillary in 2016, his first visitor from overseas was Japan’s Prime Minister, 安倍 晋三 (Abe Shinzo), because Abe knows that 김정은 (Kim Jongun) would like nothing better than to nuke Japan in retaliation against Japan’s well-documented use of 慰安婦 (comfort women) during the Second World War. Many comfort women were Koreans and Filipinas.


Associate solitary reporter Ko Il-sun, who is based in Seoul, visited Prime Minister Abe earlier today to ask Abe whether he plans to lead a movement to declare Trump the Emperor of the World — just to please Trump, who constantly craves adulation and never seems to get enough of it.


In Japanese, 天皇 (Emperor), literally means "heavenly sovereign.” 


“Ko-san,” Abe began, “I’m willing to do anything to stay in power, so if it would please The Donald, that’s ok with me."


Abe then visited 明仁 (Emperor Akihito) and ever so gently and ever so politely asked the Emperor for permission to name Trump Emperor of the World.


“My dear Abe,” Akihito repled, “if it will help you stay in power by continuing to genuflect to Trump, you have my permission.”


When Melania found out about what had just transpired between ASR Ko, Abe, and Akihito, she immediately contacted 田中美津 (Tanaka Mitsu), a leading Japanese feminist who has been a powerful voice in condemning Japan’s use of comfort women during World War II.


When Melania asked Tanaka-san what she thinks about Akihito approving Trump’s proposal to arrogate to himself the title of Emperor, Tanaka said, “You know how it is, Melania. Us women usually get the short end of the stick, even though we often want to, well, uh, er, ah, take a crude stick and s____ it up the posterior of lots of men, since much of the time there is only one thing they want from us."


Trump’s mouthpiece, Sarah Huckabee, told ASR Jones that because Congress won’t give Trump his Wall, “No doubt, his close personal friend Bashar al-Assad can persuade Prime Minister Netanyahu to move Netanyahu’s Wall at Majdal Shams to Arivaca, Arizona, eleven miles north of our border, to enhance our ability to protect our country.”


“As our much-beloved Mr. Trump said many times during the campaign, if you don’t have borders, you don’t have a country."