In Buenos Aires, Trump Agrees to Sell Alaska to Putin for a hundred rubles; Melania Seeks Refuge in the Slovenian Embassy

Donald Trump is in Buenos Aires for the G-20, but he had only one reason to be there.


He cancelled his scheduled meeting with Vladimir Putin because Putin’s slowly by slowly planning to take over all of Ukraine.


He’s supposed to have dinner with Chinese President-for-Life Xi Jingping later today, to show Xi how clueless he is at using chopsticks.


Xi, of course, knows that Trump has no clue at all how to stay out of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s clutches.


Associate solitary reporter Larry Theis is also in Buenos Aires. Theis is our chief international correspondent. He is the Joshua Whatmough Professor Emeritus of Linguistics at Harvard University, but he has never been to France. However, he is fluent in Russian, Malagasy, Chinese, Spanish, Bantu, Hebew, Irish, Shona, Tibetan, German, Portugese, Greek, Ukrainian, Romanian, Hindi, Bulgarian, Polish, Shona, Urdu, and Czech.


Theis, the most savvy lawyer in Denver history, knew full well that Trump would find a way to sneak in a quickie chat with Putin.


Putin, a former KBG operative, is well-known in the international community as the Poisoner-in-Chief. And Trump knows that. And Putin knows very well that Trump has poisoned American civic life to where it was in 1861.


This is what Theis heard when Trump met Putin in an underground bar.


“Vlad,” Trump began, “I know damn well you’ve got the goods on me. What would you like me to do for you?”


“You guys want Alaska back?” the Disrupter-in-Chief continued. "They’ve got major infrastructure problems, especially after yesterday’s big earthquake.”


“Alaska has only one Congressman, but that’s gonna flip in 2020.”


“How much you wanna pay me for Alaska?”


Putin’s reply was swift and to the point.


“Donny boy, how many rubles you got in those outsized pants of yours?”


Alaska Gov. Bill Walker, an Independent (who would want to be a Republican these days?) told associate solitary reporter Betsy Stapleton that Trump has no authority to give his state to Putin as long as Elmendorf Air Force Base is there.


Putin, a crafty SOB if there ever was one, said, “Donny, let’s start slowly. First, give me Диомид, which is directly across from my Big Diomede. Tomorrow, give me Sitka, and next week, give me Anchorage.”


“You have to pay for the rebuilding of Anchorage with all those billions you were gonna make from your Trump Tower in Moscow.”


Trump wasn’t looking when Putin kicked him in the cojones; but Argentina’s president, Mauricio Macri, knew full well that Putin couldn’t be trusted, so he rushed in, grabbed Trump by his outsized red tie, and turned him over to his Minister of Security, Patricia Bullrich.


Macri wasted no time. This is what he said to Bullrich, who is much richer spiritually than Trump: “Aqui es el hombre que odia a todas las personas que hablan español, asi que mantenlo aqui hasta que se arrepienta!” (“Here’s the bad dude who hates all people who speak Spanish, so just keep him here until he wises up and repents!”


Trump doesn’t believe in affordable health care, so Bullrich, knowing that Trump has been famously compared to a four year old by the New York Times' David Brooks, took him to Hospital de Ninos Dr. Ricardo Gutierrez, a children’s hospital near the Atlantic Ocean.


Melania has no plans to return to Washington on Wednesday, so she primped and smiled at Macri. She asked Macri to escort her to the Slovenian Embassy in Buenos Aires. There, she asked Ambassador Faith Koncilja to protect her, saying “Resnicno sem domolubna in ne morem biti v stiku s svojim modem!” (I am really homesick and I cannot tolerate being anywhere near my husband!)


That’s where she is for the time being.