Special Counsel Robert Mueller has a new star witness.
First it was Donald Trump’s Campaign Chairman, Paul Manafort, but then Mueller caught Manafort in several lies. That means Manafort’s gonna spend more time in prison than he had expected.
Now it’s Michael Cohen, who used to be Trump’s fixit lawyer guy. While serving as the Trump Organization’s attorney, Cohen said he would take a bullet for Trump.
Yesterday, in federal court in Manhattan, Cohen confessed that he lied to Congress about his efforts, during Trump’s presidential campaign, to work with Vladimir Putin’s government to help Trump build a Trump Tower in Moscow, with a bribe for Putin: a fancy fancy penthouse apartment (Putin’s never been, uh, homeless or anything close). And that’s while Trump was saying during his campaign that he had nothing to do with Putin, that he didn’t even know him.
Trump has declared many times that if Mueller’s investigation tries to delve into his business empire, that would be crossing a red line — but with Cohen’s guilty plea, which directly implicates Trump’s business dealings with Putin, sure ‘nough, all Trump sees is red — so expect Mueller to be canned any day now by the unlawfully appointed Acting Attorney General, Matthew Whitaker.
As soon as Cohen entered his guilty plea, Trump denounced him as a liar and — worse yet — weak.
It then fell to our chief investigative reporter, associate solitary reporter Susanna Sherman, to meet Trump and Cohen on the roof of Trump Tower in Manhattan. From our lofty perch in Denver, we tasked Sherman with adjudicating which man — Trump or Cohen — would win a pissing contest, all designed to figure out who was the bigger liar.
Assisting Sherman in that undertaking was associate solitary reporter Sam Sherwood, a urologist. Dr. Sherwood passed out little plastic cups to each contestant so he could perform a urine analysis of each.
Dr. Sherwood told Sherman that both Cohen and Trump had really dirty urine and they both had way over the top levels of testosterone.
Dr. Sherwood and Sherman then stood by as each of the contestants relieved himself.
“Susanna,” Dr. Sherwood said, “it’s a total draw, but it’s clear to everyone that Trump has told thousands of lies since January 20 of last year.”
“That’s why I say that Trump is in even bigger trouble than Cohen.”
ASR Sherman nodded in agreement.