Our Enquiry About Peckers

Donald Trump has some interesting ways of letting us know he’s not in trouble.


Paul Manafort was his Campaign Chairman, and he’s going to prison unless Trump pardons him (after he proactively pardons himself). Trump’s already pardoned former Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio because Arpaio shares Trump’s views about immigrants and because Arpaio supported Trump’s campaign. Arpaio, 86, is running for the Senate seat vacated by Sen. Jeff Flake, one of the few elected Republican critics of the Liar-in-Chief.


Michael Cohen, a lawyer and Trump’s former fixer, is going to prison. He’s probably spent more time with Trump than Trump Organization Chief Financial Officer Allen Weisselberg. Cohen’s the guy who earlier said he would take a bullet for Trump.


Trump values loyalty above all else. He expects his minions to do everything he wants, but as soon as he senses that anyone who works for him is disloyal, out they go. He can’t keep people working for him because they know full well that Trump cares only about himself. And they also know that Trump has practically no idea how to run a government.


Another acquaintance of Trump is Allen Weisselberg, an alumnus of Pace College. Weisselberg has been granted immunity from prosecution by prosecutors as they deal with Michael Cohen’s misdeeds. Weisselberg is the Chief Financial Officer of the very private Trump Organization. After receiving immunity, Weisselberg, who probably knows a great deal about Trump’s finances (including his undisclosed tax returns) is on pace to spill the beans on the Liar-in-Chief.


Yet another buddy of Trump has been granted immunity because of the Cohen investigation. That’s David Pecker, who owns American Media Inc., which publishes the scandal-filled tabloid, The National Enquirer. 

That worthless paper openly acknowledges that it pays sources for tips, a practice disapproved by the mainstream press.


Pecker and The National Enquirer (who really wants to read that stuff anyway?) have vociferously supported Trump over the years. It was The National Enquirer which bought the rights to Playboy model Karen McDougal’s story about her longterm affair with Trump, just so that story wouldn’t be made public before the 2016 election.


And Cohen handled the hush money to porn actress Stormy Daniels, on direction from Trump.


Back in 1997, another pecker was in the news, and that was Bill Clinton’s pecker as part of the Ken Starr investigation. It was examined by physicians at the National Institutes of Health.


Associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones, a regular participant in Sarah Huckabee’s daily forced defenses of Trump, asked Trump’s top mouthpiece whether we can expect a pecker contest between Bill Clinton and David Pecker.


Huckabee told White House Security guards to throw Jones out of the White House. Of course, as we have reported in these pages many times before, Trump himself has thrown Jones through the Oval Office window. But Jones is very strong, and the ACLU is always there on the lawn to revive her and bring her quickly back to health.


Trump, of course, keeps claiming he’s not in trouble. His evidence for that is that he wastes hundreds of thousands of dollars going to rallies where people accept his lies.


So the rest of us can can feel fully relieved that Trump is not in trouble.


We here at AP are waiting for Trump’s announcement that his former friend, Jeff Sessions, is gone. Trump expected his Attorney General to defend him against all attackers, and now Trump, on a daily basis, attacks Sessions and the entire Justice Department, but Sessions is sworn to uphold the Constitution and the rule of law (something Trump knows virtually nothing about, though he’s been the most litigious occupant of the Oval Office ever).


Then Trump will once again proclaim that he’s not in trouble, and we can once again breathe sighs of relief that everything is fine in the land of the free and the home of the brave.