Summer Solstice, 2018
Johanna Jones holds the enviable (?) title of Chief Associate Solitary Reporter.
Jones is African American and, at 25, she is a very beautiful young woman. She’s still single, because she works full-time for us here at AP, with an extremely onerous travel schedule, and she doesn’t have time to marry some guy who’s not nearly smart enough. She has never been married, and she has no children.
In fact, CASR Jones could have been both Miss America and Miss Universe, but she never woulda participated in Donald Trump’s Miss Universe, because of Trump’s well-known proclivity for swaggering himself into the dressing rooms of his Miss Universe contestants. But Jones, who is extremely smart, chose to become both a private detective and a lawyer. That’s why the DNC chose her for her very special assignment in Trump’s White House — but, nota bene, she was chosen for this role by Interim Democratic National Committee Chair Donna Brazile, and not by Florida Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz, who didn’t have a clue as to how to run the DNC.
The DNC managed (we still haven’t figured that out, how they did it) to smuggle Jones into the White House on January 20, 2017.
Because of her beauty, we here at AP have been concerned for a very long time about her personal safety when she is with Trump. That’s a very serious concern, because Jones spends more time with Trump than does the third Mrs. Trump.
But CASR Jones is very strong, both physically (she’s almost as buff as her mentor, Michelle Obama) and mentally, and she has a great deal of experience in being able to smack lusty old goats like Trump whenever they get, well, too close to her (at last report, nobody in Trump’s entourage at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue had dared to tell him about the #MeToo movemen).
As soon as she learned yesterday morning that Trump was forced to cave on family separations at the border (https://www.politico.com/story/2018/06/20/trump-caves-family-separation-660870), Jones immediately got to work on a Democratic version of the executive order which Trump issued just before he went to Minnesota, a blue state, to raise money for the GOP.
Never one to lose an opportunity to throw red meat to his xenophobic base, Trump entitled yesterday’s exec. order an “Executive Order Affording Congress An Opportunity to Address Family Separation.” Hastily drawn after the least qualified man ever to sit in the Oval Office received intense pressure from evangelicals (they read the Bible much more intentionally than does Attorney General Jeff Sessions), business groups, and lotsa Republicans in the Congress — which he thinks he controls (only guess what, he doesn’t) — suddenly reversed himself, having said ad nauseam for days on end that all the problems with our broken immigration system are the fault of Congressional Democrats (yet another Trump lie, because it was Sessions who inaugurated the family separation policy, not Congress.
So yesterday, flanked by his Chief Lackey, former Indiana conservative radio talk show host Mike Pence, and embattled DHS Secretary Kirstjien Nielsen, Trump showed off his new exec. order, but then immediately yelled that if his Wall isn’t immediately put in place by American taxpayers, millions of nasty people will come here.
So here, for the eyes only of AP fans everywhere, is Jones’ draft executive order, which was approved by DNC Chairman Tom Perez and all sensible Democratic Party electeds:
(1) All executive agencies of The United States of America will do their utmost to encourage countries south of our border, especially Honduras, Guatemala, El Salvador, and Mexico, to increase their standards of living so that there will no longer be gangs of desperados and drug lords who terrorize their populations. To accomplish this, I am ordering the Agency of International Development to hurry up and hire lots more Spanish-speaking employees. AID is hereby directed to give preference to persons who have fled Central America or Mexico duing
The Department of State will have no role in these activities, because not long ago I put a new guy in there who likes to travel to Pyongyang a lot. And Pompeo has been way too busy having coffee with his Republican buddies over there in Wichita. The Department of Defense is in charge of all the deeply humanitarian activities mentioned in this here Executive Order. Rather, it’s up to the Defense Department under Mad Dog Mattis to do all that Pretend to Be Nice To Furriners BS. I chose Mattis & Co. to do that work because I like to rattle my swords a lot, just as long as associate solitary reporter Leonardo de Lazaro keeps me informed of everything the Pentagon wants. I have a right to do all this under the Sixty-Fourth Clause of the Second Amendment, which, you know, is way too short.
(2) People who flee their countries because of famine, war, gangs, or other forms of oppression, may continue to present themselves at our ports of entry to request asylum, despite what the Attorney General or agents of the Department of Homeland Security, may say.
(3) All applicants for asylum shall have their applications for asylum adjudicated by Immigration Judges within thirty days. I am ordering this because Barack Obama didn’t hire enough Immigration Judges, leaving it to Sessions to get rid of all his employees and contractors who voted for Hillary. And because I know full well that any judge, whether an Immigration Judge accountable to Sessions, or a constitutional judge in these here United States, can’t be trusted because they seem to think that they can act independently.
(4) Once they are admitted to the United States as asylum claimants, they will be given full scholarships, all expenses paid, at the Democratic National Welcome to America School (DNWAS), which has campuses in San Diego, California; Arivaca, Arizona; Las Cruces, New Mexico; and Brownsville, Texas. There, the benefits of registering as Democrats, once they become citizens, will be fully explained. Not only that, they will be very strongly encouraged to volunteer with their local Democratic Party, as well as running for office. The Dean of the DNWAS is associate solitary reporter Susanna Sherman. The Associate Dean is associate solitary reporter Max Livinsky. The San Diego campus of the DNWA is run by associate solitary reporter Dominic DiChristo; the Arivaca campus is run by associate solitary reporter Debbie Witherspoon, a native of La Junta, Colorado, where she learned to speak Spanish fluently; the Las Cruces, New Mexico campus is run by associate solitary reporter and Las Cruces Mayor Kenneth Daniel Gallegos Miyagishima; and the Brownsville, Texas campus is run by associate solitary reporter and former Denver Mayor Federico Peña, a native of Brownsville.
(5) The asylees who come with their children will be sent to the DNWA, immediately.
(6) Children who have been forcibly separated from their asylee parents will also be immediately sent to the DNWA, where they will be promptly reunited with their parents at Trump’s expense, and lovingly nurtured by thousands of volunteers, many of whom are people of faith.
(7) All valid asylum applicants who have validly presented themselves at our ports of entry, who have been separated from their children and thrown over the border into Mexico, will be immediately located by Nielsen’s Department of Homeland Security and brought to the DNWA. I will pay all expenses for this since I am so wealthy, and because, if I am going have even a small chance of getting into Presbyterian Heave, I need to seek redemption in a really huge way.
(8) All Republican Members of Congress who defy my on-again, off-again blustering and minute by minute contradictions about which Republican bills to reform immigration I may or may not sign, will receive, at my expense, lots of free meals at a variety of homeless shelters in the District of Columbia.
(9) Any Republican Members of Congress, especially in Ryan’s House, who are rendered politically or otherwise homeless by Trumpiana, are entitled to severance pay at the same rate of pay as Me, on a per diem basis, as soon as they leave office, but only for a period of fifteen days.