How the Indy 500 Makes America Great Again; Giuliani Quits, Will Run Against Cuomo; Flake Picks Mancin as his Veep; Trump's Newest Casino, Guess Where

In Indianapolis today, for people who don’t believe in global warming, it was a day just like any other day.


That’s because at the Indy 500, they love to waste our precious resources of petroleum. Former Indiana conservative radio talk show host Mike Pence, Donald Trump’s devoted servant, totally agrees.


Once a year on Memorial Day weekend, Speedway, an enclave very close to Indianapolis, hosts the so-called "Greatest Spectacle in Racing."


In other words, the Indy 500.


These days, when Terra Firma will be running out of petroleum sometime during this century, such events are a bad idea.


Almost as bad as the nine story cruise ships, the floating cities that pollute our oceans.


The official attendance at the Indy 500 is not disclosed by the event’s management, but the permanent seating capacity, including in the infield, is about 300,000.


Your solitary reporter knows very well that women are better than men. Smarter, stronger, all around better. Associate solitary reporters Johanna Jones, Susanna Sherman, and Melissa Smith all agree wholeheartedly.


Today at the Indy 500, world-class racer Danica Patrick retired, immediately after she lost control going into Turn 2 on lap 68 and crashed into the outside wall.


As she crashed into the wall, the last thing she was thinking about was Donald Trump’s Wall.


“I am one proud Democrat!” she said to ASR Sherman as she was helped out of her race car. “I’m from Wisconsin, the state that was supposed to vote for Hillary two years ago, only it didn’t. Definitely, the Badger State’s bad! — and Hillary’s bad too, ‘cause she ran a p__s-poor campaign there.”


Elsewhere, Arizona’s junior senator, Republican Jeff Flake, told associate solitary reporter Christopher Coleman, who manages our Washington office for us, that he’s running against Trump in 2020 ( “And my running mate will be West Virginia Senator Joe Mancin, a fine, sorta conservative Democrat, because all the sensible voters in the United States are Democrats, and I’ve served with Joe in the Senate and he’s a great guy, and we need geographical balance.”


“Let’s not forget,” Flake continued, “that Joe Lieberman, a pro-israel Democrat who represented Connecticut in the Senate, and who was Al Gore's running mate in 2000 (when Gore lost to Bush Two by one vote in the Supreme Court) endorsed McCain against Obama in 2008."


Flake told Coleman that he had just been informed by associate solitary reporter Crisanta Clarkson, a prominent attorney in a big Manhattan law firm, that Trump’s lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, precipitously left the White House a very short time ago, right after midnight Washington time.


Giuliani told Clarkson that Attorney General Jeff Sessions, who appropriately recused himself from Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation into Russian meddling in the 2016 presidential election, told him yesterday that his political and legal attacks against Mueller are so frivolous as to require his immediate exit from the White House.


And Chief of Staff John Kelly is really happy about that. “Rudy’s been a big-time pain in the wazoo,” Kelly said to his wife, Karen Hernest. “He’s a brash New Yorker like my boss. I’m just a quiet Boston boy who worked real hard and got to be a general."


Once back in Manhattan, according to Clarkson, Giuliani plans to run for governor of New York against either Andrew Cuomo or Sex in the City’s Cynthia Nixon, who also played Emily Dickinson in A Quiet Passion.


Down at Mar-a-Lago, Trump, with associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones at his side, announced that he and North Korean fat boy Kim Jongun have made a deal, ahead of their maybe meeting on June 12 on the Equator in Singapore, to convert Kim’s Chongjin Concentration Camp (청진 제25호 관리소) into the first Trump Korea Casino — this, after Trump said today that North Korea has great potential — just as China had great potential for American businessmen when it went quasi-capitalist and mercantilist under Deng Xiao-ping. 


The Chongjin Concentration Camp is a  lifetime prison. It currently houses between 3000 and 5000 political prisoners, including associate solitary reporter Ko Il-sun, who ran from his office in Seoul directly to Chongjin to conduct a full investigation.


Trump's Secretary of State, Mike Pompeo, told Coleman that, although Ko is an American citizen, the State Department will never attempt to secure his release. “He knew damn well what he was doing,” Pompeo said. “It costs way too much political and diplomatic capital to get Americans who are in North Korea’s gulags out of there."