Why Trump Expelled Sixty Russian Diplomats

It doesn’t seem to matter to Donald Trump that our planet is burning up because he, Sen. John Inhofe (R-Oklahoma), EPA Administrator Scott Pruit (who may have presidential ambitions) and most elected Republicans deny global warming. 


It doesn’t seem to matter to him that America’s standing in the world community has taken several really big hits since January 20, 2017. 


It doesn’t seem to matter to him that only a few people believe him any more.


There are a few things he does care about.


He cares whether the thing on his head that looks just like a bird's nest looks good (never does, though). That’s a problem for him when the wind blows.


He cares about his ratings but doesn’t understand why they are so low.


He cares a lot about his financial assets, but he won’t release his tax returns, which probably have information about his numerous business contacts in Russia.


He cares about the proper functioning of his TV sets in the White House; there are few times when he is not watching television, because he rarely reads books.


He gets p____d off when people tell him things he doesn’t want to hear. That’s hard for him because he has a very short attention span and because he’s a narcissist.


Most men in the world, and a few women, watched 60 Minutes yesterday evening, the long-awaited Stormy Daniels interview.


Daniels (her stage name), a porn star and a very successful businesswoman in the porn industry who once seriously considered running for the US Senate in Louisiana against Republican David Vitter, is capitalizing on her notoriety after she went to court to void a hush-hush agreement arranged by one of Trump’s numerous lawyers, Michael Cohen, in October 2016.


Cohen claims that in October 2016, right before the presidential election, he gave Daniels (a.k.a. a Stephanie Clifford) $130,000 (peanuts to Trump) from his personal bank account so she wouldn’t say anything about her affair with Trump in 2006.


We have detailed associate solitary reporter Barbara Matthews to the State Department to keep us informed about what world leaders think about Trump. 


It’s been a very depressing time for Matthews, who, day after day, has been texting us about how low American prestige is in the world right now. 


Matthews tells us that Secretary of State-designate Mike Pompeo regularly sends away reporters who want to grill him about Trump’s numerous extra-marital affairs.


Pompeo did, however, confide to Matthews, “Barbara, to tell you the truth, I really wish I had not asked to be picked as Donald Trump’s Secretary of State.”


“Because I keep getting these reports that very few if any foreign leaders want him to visit their countries.” 


“And I’m supposed to be getting Trump ready for his momentous face-to-face meeting with Kim Jong-un.”


Then, taking Matthews to a private room, Pompeo confided to Matthews, “Barbara, the only reason Mr. Trump is expelling 60 Russian diplomats, as well as closing the Russian consulate in Seattle, is to distract his evangelical supporters from the Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal mess.”


“He’ll be firing Mueller really soon and sending him to Putin, who will put Mueller in a gulag. Then we can think about how Mr. Trump can kick Kim Jong-un in the gonads.”


Associate solitary reporter Jim Boy Hobarto, our chief religion correspondent, called Liberty University president Jerry Falwell Jr. to ask why he endorsed Trump in January of 2016 and why evangelical voters continue to support him.


“Jim Boy,” Falwell Jr. said, “when was the last time you opened your Hebrew Bible and read the entirety of the Song of Solomon, which extols women’s beauty, to your Unitarian Universalist congregants? Don’t you think that King Trump is entitled to have a little fun?"