Preview of Trump's SOTU

It is a truth universally acknowledged that Donald Trump, to the extent that he governs at all (because most of the time he moves his obesity around at one of his posh private golf courses, on his favorite Hummer), thrives on chaos.


Tomorrow evening, he will deliver the State Of The Union address to a Joint Session of Congress.


The whole world will be watching.


In today’s Politico, Michael Grunwald’s column is appropriately titled "Trump Plus One: Did He Keep His Promises? A year after [his] first speech to Congress, he's done much less – and much more — – than he said he would” (


Grunwald expertly assesses the matter, because, as Trump prepares to give his first real State of the Union, some of his forgotten promises from last year’s address, which he yelled out on February 28, "look absurdly grandiose in retrospect."


Among other things which Trump promised: a conspicuous increase in military preparedness; a massive infrastructure program; a big uptick in employment in the coal industry; and a meaningful attack on the opioid epidemic.


Although Trump’s EPA has launched its massive attack on President Obama’s sensible regulations on the production of coal, US coal consumption has dropped to its lowest level since the 1970s. That’s because public interest groups such as Conservation Colorado and Western Resource Advocates have been resisting EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt’s complete disregard for environmental protection.


The opioid epidemic remains unchecked, and our military is getting by with just about the same resources it had during the Obama Administration, as Trump prepares for war against North Korea and even against Venezuela (remember, Venezuela has lots of oil).


Our master of political infiltration, undercover DNC operative and associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones, was in the Oval Office with Trump, senior policy adviser and far-right prince Stephen Miller, legislative aide Marc Short, Transportation Secretary (and wife of Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell) Elaine Chao, and the ever present Son-in-Law-in-Chief, Jared Kushner. They were joined by our newest associate solitary reporters, Kathy Rodriguez, the owner of the Denver Athletic Club, who took a few minutes off from her busy schedule supervising superannuated gents and gals in their personal training, and Danni Galvan, the new coach of the Denver Broncos. Also joining them was Genevieve Kim, Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper’s Executive Director of the Department of Public Health and Environment.


“Dad,” Kushner began, “Chris Wray over at the FBI just forced out your major nemesis, Deputy FBI Director Andrew McCabe. How about putting that in your speech?”


“Good idea, Son. Marc, put that in.”


“Go after the eco-freaks on coal,” Miller said. “I’ll make up lots of nonfacts for you.”


Trump smiled.


“Say that our military is in the best position to defend the land of the free and the home of the brave, from all 209 or our overseas bases,” Kelly, a retired Marine Corps General and Trump’s former Homeland Security Secretary, said.


“Fantastic,” Trump said.


“And of course, Sir,” Kelly said, “your tax reform package.”


“That’ll be at least half of it,” Trump said. “But be sure to put in how helpful my repeal of Obamacare has been.”


Rodriguez interjected and asked what Trump has done for physical fitness. “What’s that?” Trump demanded. “Never heard of it.”


Kim queried Trump about the opioid crisis, saying “Sir, you haven’t done anything for all the addicts all over the country. You’re cutting Medicaid, which provides services for addicts.”


Kim was quickly escorted from the room by the Chief White House Usher, Timothy Harleth.


Trump whispered to Kushner that he doesn’t give a holy s__t about drug addicts.


“Dad,” Kushner said, "do you want to say something about sexual harassment and sexual assaults in Congress?”


“Sure, just put in something about Franken and what a loser he was.”


“Sir,” Chao interjected, “please put major emphasis on my infrastructure plan, you know, the one you keep saying you’re going to announce.”


“Marc, just put in something about how the state and local governments will be picking up the tab for that, and that they will be very happy about that because all the state and local government leaders adore me because I’m already making America great.”


Rodriguez, a previous recipient of the Most Buff Personal Trainer in America Award, impertinently demanded, “You better deal with this fitbit controversy stirred up by that Strava fitness app that’s showing ISIS where all your secret bases are in Syria and Somalia and other places.”


Rodriguez was also escorted out of the room, where she chatted up Kim and signed her up for membership in the Denver Athletic Club.