Transcript of Mueller-Sessions Interview

Last week, Special Counsel Robert Mueller interviewed Donald Trump’s Attorney General, Jeff Sessions.


Associate solitary reporter Susanna Sherman, one of the most extraordinary sleuths ever to have worked in the Nation’s Capital, managed to obtain a transcript of the top-secret interview, and here it is (Attorneys General are often, out of respect for the office, addressed as ”General").


Mueller: Good morning, General.


Sessions: Bob, you know damn well you have no business taking up my valuable time. Not only that, you did a really crappy job as FBI Director.


Mueller: General, isn’t it true that when you were being considered by the United States Senate for the position of federal district judge in 1986, Coretta Scott King wrote to the Senate Judiciary Committee opposing your nomination, and that in her letter, she wrote that you used the awesome powers of your office, when you were United States Attorney for the Southern District of Alabama, in a shabby attempt to intimidate and frighten elderly black voters?


Sessions: Ah do not recall that.


Mueller: Sir, it was a matter of public record.


Sessions: As a true Son of Alabama, Ah do not favor Democrats and other ignorant people, whether they are black or white, voting for Democrats.


Mueller: Isn’t it true that you highly approve of Mr. Trump’s firing James Comey?


Sessions: Absolutely! Comey is way, way too much of a straight arrow.


Mueller:  Why were you the first US Senator to endorse Donald Trump for president?


At this point in the interview, Sessions began to relax.


Sessions: Ah just loved his position against all the foreign scumbags, both illegal and legal, wanting to come here to Our United States, take jobs away from us white Americans, and pollute our gene pool, because the best Americans are white Americans, everybody knows that. Not only that, Ah was tired of diddling around in the Senate with nothing to do, and Ah figured that if he got the nomination, Mr. Trump would either name me as his running mate — and you know, he’s 71, he is addicted to junk food, he gets no exercise, nobody really likes him except his daughters Ivanka and Tiffany, and he’s sure to die in office, either that or be impeached, and then Ah would be president — or he would appoint me to the job that fat slob Chris Christie desperately wanted, namely, the job that Ah am very much entitled to, namely, and that is, running the Justice Department.


Mueller: Why did you meet twice during the presidential election in 2016 with the Russian ambassador and fail to tell the Senate Judiciary Committee about that?


Sessions:  Because Mr. Trump wanted me to help him cozy up to Putin. Ah was just layin’ the groundwork.


Mueller: General, thanks so much for your time. You have been most cooperative, and I appreciate your candor.


Mueller shook hands with Sessions and told his deputies to prepare a report to be delivered tomorrow morning to the American people explaining why Trump has committed high crimes and misdemeanors.