How Can This Be? Trump Was In El Salvador Today; Kaine to ASR Smith: "I am a much better candidate than Oprah!"

Because of the astonishing nature of what we are about to relate, associate solitary reporters Susanna Sherman and Jim Bob Hobarto participated in what follows.


Yesterday, the Trump administration, in its total ignorance, announced that it will soon subject about 200,000 Salvadorans to deportation.


In 2001, El Salvador experienced two devastating earthquakes, which killed at least 944 people. In response, Congress, which actually sometimes does get things right, granted Salvadorans, who somehow managed to get here, temporary reprieves from deportation because of the humanitarian crisis. Naturally, they had children once they got here, most of whom have never been to El Salvador. As NYT Op-Ed Columnist David Leonhardt said, “[They] are deeply ensconced in American society.”


El Salvador is notorious for its high level of violence.


Donald Trump calls himself a Christian, but he is anything but.


That said, for all too mysterious reasons, he knows that he has to seek redemption at some point before he goes to Republican Hell.


So, moments ago, Air Force One landed at Monseñor Óscar Arnulfo Romero International Airport, in San Salvador, where he was affably greeted (but only at first) by Jefe de Estado Salvador Sánchez Cerén.


The only language which Trump knows is Twitterese, so he had no ability whatsoever to understand the Salvadoran President’s welcome.


“The hell you say!" Trump yelled at Cerén.


Then there ensued a big scuffle, in which the Secret Service pinned Cerén to the ground, but his security guards immediately rescued their president, and then they told Trump that they will not, under any circumstances, allow him to build a wall between El Salvador and Guatemala.


Trump is now on his way back to Mar-a-Lago, where he is dining with his wealthiest guests.


In other news, leading Democratic presidential candidate Tim Kaine told associate solitary reporter Melissa Smith, “Melissa, just between the two of us, I would be a much more suitable presidential candidate than Oprah because I have been a governor and a senator and, not only that, I was supposed to be Hillary’s vice president, except that Steve Bannon ruined all that.”


Bannon, having just been banished from Breitbart News, is now wandering the streets of Washington all alone, totally homeless.