As all 39,253,956 Californians got stoned yesterday (the first day of legal sales of recreational marijuana in the Golden State), Iran's Supreme Leader, 78-year old Sayyid Ali Hosseini Khamenei (سید علی حسینی خامنهای), ordered a nuclear attack on the United Nations, after Donald Trump, who governs only by tweets, sent out a tweet yesterday calling for regime change in Iran after days of violent protests in Iran’s major urban centers.
“Nuke the United Nations,” Khamenei instructed Revolutionary Guard Commander Mohammad Bagheri (محمد باقری).“The UN should be in Teheran, not in the US, which is governed by the Devil.”
“Islam — which means submission as well as peace — is the most peaceful of all religions,” Khamenei said, “unlike Trump’s version of Christianity.”
“Trump wants to start the Crusades all over again, only this time, he plans to nuke us first, then Assad, and he’ll keep going ’til he kills all us Muslims, whether Shia or Sunni, for sure."
“And while you’re at it, take out Trump Tower as long as Melania isn’t there. On the sly, I like to look at her publicity photos, and at whatever videos of her I can see online, with no clothes on.”
Elsewhere, after Kim Jong-un (김정은) extended an olive branch to South Korea’s president Moon Jae-in (문재인) by offering to send minder-bound North Korean athletes— and maybe even his sacred self — to the upcoming 2018 Winter Olympics in PyeongChang, President Moon gave an exclusive interview to associate solitary reporter Ko Il-sun, an American citizen who is based in Seoul. “Tell Trump that he is definitely NOT invited to PyeongChang,” Moon said. "I’ll meet personally with Kim Jong-un when he is there. You, Mr. Ko, are invited, of course, as you are fluent in Korean, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, French, Spanish, Arabic, and Portuguese, so you can go tell your Portuguese friend, UN Secretary General Antonio Manuel de Oliveira Guterres, of our progress. I am much better looking than Kim Jong-un, partly because, unlike Kim, I have a decent barber. And these days, when appearances are everything, good looks should triumph. I have no doubt that I alone — and certainly not Trump — can make great strides in convincing Kim to send all his next ballistic missiles to Mongolia, far away from Guam and Hawaii.”
At the Pentagon, Defense Secretary Jim Mattis continued, at Trump’s orders, preparing plans to take out Kim Jong-un with a drone. When associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones told Ko Il-sun to tell President Moon about Mattis’ efforts, President Moon said, “Mr. Ko, if that happens, there will be a True Apocalypse."