Trump's Border Patrol Hires Raiders' Michael Crabtree to Head Special Violent Operations Unit; Crabtree's First Assignment Is To Capture the Denver Broncos' Aqi

Yesterday in Oakland, the hapless Denver Broncos extended their losing streak to seven in a row — not unexpected — but the most exciting part of their loss to the Oakland Raiders, 14 – 21, was the fight between the Broncos’ tempestuous star cornerback, Aqib Talib, and the Raiders’ Michael Crabtree, both of whom were ejected early in the first quarter because of their slugfest.


Our chief sports reporter, associate solitary reporter Suzie Padmore, visited Crabtree in the locker room, as he enjoyed seeing, on TV, the Broncos’ third-string quarterback, Paxton Lynch, being injured as the Raiders won despite a late threat led by Broncos’ QB Trevor Siemian. Crabtree told Padmore that as soon as he got to the locker room, he received a call from Donald Trump, offering him a job as Associate Director for Violent Operations in the Border Patrol. “And of course I accepted,” Crabtree told Padmore, “and Mr. Trump told me that my first job will be to capture Talib and send him to Gitmo because he’s a Muslim.”


“I’m really looking forward to catching Talib and beating him up real good, ‘cause he’s just a mean dude who can’t control his temper, and he had no business ripping my gold chain off in front of God and everybody."


Carla Provost, Trump’s Acting Chief of the Border Patrol, told associate solitary reporter Susanna Sherman, “We need strong guys like Michael Crabtree in the Border Patrol. Mr. Crabtree will head my newly created Office of Violent Operations. It’s undercover, of course, but Michael will be an inspiration to all 21,000 of my topnotch employees.”


Talib was heard telling numerous reporters that American football is a violent game and that he intends to keep it that way.


As of press time, Talib’s whereabouts are unknown, but associate solitary reporter Abu Nasir tells us that the Taliban might be trying to recruit him. Talib means “student” in Arabic, and taliban means “students" in Pashto. Most Taliban fighters are Afghan Pashtos.