ASR Jones' Completely Accurate Account of Trump's Speech in Seoul

First thing Donald Trump did after arriving in Japan for a state visit was to play golf with Prime Minister Abe Shinzo, and then they ate hamburgers (no sashimi, no sushi, that would be unAmerican on Trump’s part) and inaugurated a ridiculous “Make a Great Alliance” baseball cap. Then, always able to flatter his hosts, he told Prime Minister Abe that Japan’s economy is noticeably inferior to that of the United States.


Having thus scored a diplomatic coup as only Trump can, he addressed South Korea’s National Assembly after making his entire retinue, including his bored and unhappy third wife, wait while Anderson Cooper and his panel members had to fill in at great length about how Trump’s political future has been irreparably damaged by key Dem victories in Virginia and New Jersey.


Then Trump laid out his non-negotiable conditions for making a Deal with Kim Jong-un. Associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones provided us with this brief summary.


“First, Rocket Man will have to give all his nukes to my close personal friend, President Moon of the Republic of Korea.”


“Next, he has to turn all his nuclear sites into Trump Resorts. Don Junior will supervise that.”


“Third, he has to pay for taking down the Wall between North and South. If he wants to, he can ask Mexico to help him pay for it.”


"Fourth, and most important, he has to change his haircut so it is just like mine. If he does that with one of my cosmetologists, I’ll see that the cosmetologist gets an Oscar.”


“Oh, and one more thing. He has to produce a sequel to The Interview. My close personal friend Steve Bannon knows how to make movies. Steve will take care of that for me."


Trump also blamed Kim Jong-un for the bad weather that forced him to cancel his impromptu visit to the DMZ.