California Secedes, Making Sessions Happy

SACRAMENTO — Now that California has declared itself to be a Sanctuary State, thus placing itself even more outside Donald Trump’s orbit, the Eureka State has passed legislation seceding from the Union.


After consulting the history of South Carolina’s secession from the Union after the election of our sixteenth president, Anthony Rendon, the Speaker of the California State Assembly, announced the passage of H.R. 1, “An Act To Sever California from the Clutches of Trump, Pence, Sessions & Company.”


Speaker Rendon, whose grandparents emigrated to California in the 1920s from the country that Trump insists pay for his Wall, told associate solitary reporter Ko Il-sun (who is here on vacation from his post in Seoul), “As long as we are a Sanctuary State, we might as well just leave the Union.”


“And Kamala Harris, our junior senator, will be our president.”


“She was going to run for president against Trump, but that would involve a hotly contested primary against Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, and Eric Garcetti, among others, so this way, once we make a clean break of it, we’ll be ready to roll.”


Reached at his office in Los Angeles, Mayor Garcetti said that for the sake of party unity, he’s willing to yield to Harris, who’s already made a name for herself in the Senate as a strong opponent of Trump and his allies.


Attorney General Jeff Sessions, who, if he were a Democrat, would file suit in the Supreme Court seeking an injunction against secession, applauded California’s move, saying “Down home in Alabama, we all don’t want to have nothin' to do with California. All they have to do is to pay me, my boss, and the U.S. Treasury megabillions, and we’ll work out the transfer real nice and smooth.”


“After all, if the UK can brexit, so can California. Ah has always bin’ a strong proponent of State’s Rights, just like the great John C. Calhoun."


Reached at her office at the Capitol, Sen. Harris told associate solitary reporter Susanna Sherman that she looks forward to leading the new nation of thirty-nine million, who are all Democrats, or should be.