Trump Explains Trumpian Party's Strategy to ASR Jones

THE TRUMP ORGANIZATION, 1600 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE — It is a truth universally acknowledged by politically intelligent people that Donald Trump cares only about himself.


That’s why he watches only Fox News. He doesn’t read, he just watches television, blusters about, caters to his base by tweeting a combination of vitriol and lies at all hours of the day or night, rants against the media because he doesn’t like what they say about him, and goes against the political party which nominated him for the highest office in the land when he craves a win. He lacks patience, embraces impulses generated largely by his narcissistic need for approval, and in many ways is ruled by his, well, testosterone, or his gonads, one or the other. All he cares about are the ratings. He leaves the White House for a campaign-style rally whenever he needs to break the Secret Service’s budget. His base remains loyal to him because his base ignores his constant lies.


Which is why, after he made a “Big Deal” with House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (whom he regularly railed against until just the other day) and Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (whom he regularly railed against until just the other day) to extend the debt ceiling, to provide a modest amount of funding for Houston’s recovery from Hurricane Harvey (yup, the city built near bayous, with bad city planning and bad zoning) and Florida (yup, the mountainless peninsular state that’s gonna be devastated by Hurricane Irma and maybe even Hurricane Jose), and to tweet (falsely) that Dreamers have nothing to worry about.


Which is why, moments ago, he told associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones, in the strictest confidence, “See, Johanna, I’m not really a Republican, I just figured I had a better chance of them nominating me over Hillary, and because I knew damn well that the Dems would never nominate me, even though I was one of them until 1987, before I ran for president as a candidate of the Reform Party.”


“I’m a Trumpian first and foremost. That’s why I cut Mnuchin off at the knees on the debt ceiling, and why McConnell and Ryan are really p____d off at me. That’s why I made nice with Pelosi and Schumer. And it’s why I’m gonna be re-elected over Tim Kaine — he’s the best they’ve got — and I’ll get the Constitution changed so I can run for a third

term — by which time I’ll have a fifth wife, ‘cause Melania is real, real homesick, and she’ll take Barron to Slovenia, and the divorce decree will make her bring him back here for at least 50 weeks a year so Ivanka can raise him real good.”


Jones left the White House in a foul mood.