Lots to report this week, AP fans.
Donald Trump was born in Queens.
If he is ever allowed to meet Queen Elizabeth II, he’ll probably say “Hi Lizzie, wanna get on my Hollywood Access bus?” and turn his posterior to her and walk out of the regal room while simultaneously insulting Prime Minister Theresa May.
Yesterday, Trump went to LongIsland. There, he spoke to a number of police officers (encouraging them to ignore the constitutional rights of the people they arrest) and community members while his Attorney General visited El Salvador so he could avoid Trump’s very frequent tweets directed against him.
Colorado’s junior senator, Cory Gardner, isn’t happy about North Korea’s newest missile launch (Gardner skillfully avoided meeting with constituents recently while visiting the Centennial State). Associate solitary reporter Melissa Smith asked him whether, to protect his president, he’d be wiling to be projected by one of our ICBMs to Pyongyang to take out Kim III, but he demurred, though he did express admiration for Trump’s skill in getting McConnellCare defeated in the Senate.
Reince Priebus travelled to LongIsland with Trump.
General John Kelly, the Secretary of Homeland Security, has found a new job. A retired Marine Corps General, with a very distinguished military record, he will go down in history as the DHS Secretary with the shortest tenure.
Soon enough, he will be working for Trump, as his Chief of Staff, but Priebus, a close personal friend of House Speaker Paul Ryan, will not.
On Wednesday, Trump’s newbie Communications Director, Anthony “The Mooch” Scaramucci, who is supposed to be working for Trump, called The New Yorker’s Ryan Lizza to badmouth Priebus and Trump’s Chief Strategist, Steve Bannon.
The Mooch is better looking than Donald Trump (most men are), though in the photograph accompanying Lizza’s story, he looks like the meanest badass mafioso ever to grace the streets of The Big Apple. Some would say he’s better looking than Donald Trump Jr.
Mooch used to be a colleague of Andrew Boszhardt and then started SkyBridge Capital, which he sold this year.
The Mooch is married to Deirdre Ball. He was graduated from Harvard Law School.
The New York Post reports that Ms. Ball has filed for divorce because of her husband’s “naked political ambition.”
Moments ago, associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones tried to ask Scaramucci Mooch (who claims that he will report directly to Trump) who will replace Gen. Kelly at DHS.
Before slamming Jones into the wall, Mr. Communicator told her, “Probably Steve Bannon, so he’ll be voted down so Mr. Trump can get rid of him that way. Go ask Bannon because he thinks he knows everything. Just don’t believe anything he says.”
Associate solitary reporter Rebecca Crawford helped Jones unpeel herself from the wall.
Next, Jones, with help from Crawford, asked General Kelly how he plans to organize the White House, and whether Mooch will report to him, or to Trump.
Kelly told Jones that unless she can get along with Mooch and Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee, she is unlikely to be admitted either to the White House or to the Marine Corps. Crawford saluted Kelly and thanked him for his service.
But Jones is persistent, so, before Priebus was fired on TwitterTrump, she asked him about his future plans, because it had been previously rumored that Trump might nominate him to be his ambassador to Greece (his mother is of Greek descent). His response was concise: “I totally adore Mr. Trump, who has been kind enough to find me a job as a janitor in the El Salvadoran Embassy. That way, I won’t have to leave Washington and go back to Wisconsin, where until recently the winters were quite cold. I was thinking of going to Athens to represent Mr. Trump there, but I’d really rather be his ambassador to Qatar because I think that would be ever so much more interesting than being ambassador to Greece; but I will definitely settle for a job in the El Salvadoran Embassy if that’s what Mr. Trump wants. I’d also accept a job as Mr. Trump’s ambassador to Pakistan because that job would be more interesting than the job in Qatar. Paul Ryan offered me a job in his office, but I don’t know what that job will be at this time. What I do know is that Jeff Sessions is very popular among the Republican senators. Nice knowing you, Johanna. Have a good life.”
Still puzzled, we tried to ask Jones whether Trump might pick Canadian-born New York Times columnist David Brooks (who called Trump incompetent yesterday on the PBS News Hour) to succeed The Mooch, but we couldn’t reach her, and when we asked Brooks directly whether he would accept such a position, he called the police.