Melania Won't Pardon Trump; Trump Will Audition in the Oval Office for the Fourth Mrs. Trump

THE TRUMP ORGANIZATION, 1600 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE — As Donald Trump’s legal team struggles to salvage his occupancy of the White House, associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones interviewed Trump’s third trophy wife, Melania.


Trump is doing everything he can to undermine Special Counsel (and former FBI Director) Robert Mueller. Why? Because Mueller is looking into the megabillionaire’s finances and how they may or may not be connected to Trump’s close personal friendship with Vladimir Putin, who, in ways not yet fully known, is partly responsible for Trump’s occupancy of the White House.


LegalTeamTrump is figuring out how Trump can pardon his aides as well as himself, given that Trump is highly impeachable. (Trump, however, bought himself some political insurance by picking hard right-winger Mike Pence, a Christian triumphalist if there ever was one, to occupy the Naval Observatory at taxpayers’ expense.)


But it’s a different matter as between The Donald and The Melania.


“Donnie won’t appoint me as his ambassador to my country, Slovenia,” Melania told Jones. “I am sick and tired of Donnie dragging me all over the world to show me off. Despite the GQ shoot, I am not a sexual object. I am a human being and I want to go home.”


When Jones told Trump’s new press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, about her conversation with Melania, Huckabee Sanders shrugged it off, saying, “Mr. Trump is a man. He’s entitled to marry whoever he wants. Ask the evangelicals who supported him.”


The word on the street in Washington is that Trump has ordered dozens of his former Miss Universe contestants to audition in the Oval Office to be the prospective Fourth Mrs. Trump.


But before that, he’ll deport Melania to Slovenia.