ASR Theis Explains British Airways' System Failure

LONDON — Ever since November 8, we here at the world’s leading apocryphal online newspaper have been forced to expand our workforce.


One of our very best associate solitary reporters is our chief European correspondent, Larry Theis.


In a private conversation which he had moments ago with the UK’s Prime Minister, Theresa May, she quickly and cogently explained to him why British Airways experienced a global stoppage of operations yesterday. 


“Of course,” May began, “America is by far our closest ally, and we do indeed have a special relationship, but after your CIA, or NSA, or whoever, messed up our operations in Manchester on Monday, unfortunately we can’t trust US intelligence anymore.”


“And I am telling you, Larry, in strict confidence, British Airways works very closely with our M15, so when BA found out what your CIA/NSA did, that’s why British Airways flights from the United States were not allowed to land yesterday.”


“Not only that,” May continued, “your commander-in-chief made a damn fool of himself in Brussels. Because he refuses to affirm the very basis of NATO, that an attack on one is an attack on all, I will be speaking to Parliament tomorrow, where I will reverse course, painful though that is for me, and urge my Queen and her subjects to revisit Brexit. In the face of a United States which cares only about itself, the sovereign nations of Europe must stand together, or die separately.”


When Donald Trump’s CIA Director, Mike Pompeo, told Trump's Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson, about May’s decision, Tillerson told Defense Secretary James “Mad Dog” Mattis, “Better hold off for now on nuking Pyongyang. It’s the Brits we’ve got to teach a lesson to— Texas style."