DEEP INSIDE THE TRUMP ORGANIZATION, 1600 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE — Associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones is really busy these days.
Yesterday, as news of Greg Gianforte’s body slam of The Guardian's reporter Ben Jacobs spread instantaneously around TrumpNation, Donald Trump's brain, Steve Bannon, erupted in jubilation, with Jones looking on. Gianforte, who lost to incumbent Democrat Gov. Steve Bullock last year, is trying to succeed former GOP Congressman Ryan Zinke, who is Trump’s Secretary of the Interior. Gianforte was unhappy that Jacobs was persistent in asking him what he thinks of the Congressional Budget Office’s price tag on TrumpRyanCare and, replicating the classic Howard Beale (played by actor Peter Finch) rant in “Network” — “I’m mad as hell and I’m not gonna take it any more!” — he pummeled Jacobs and got himself charged with assault by the good sheriff’s deputies in Bozeman.
Gianforte opposes abortion, opposes Planned Parenthood, opposes the Affordable Care Act, supports TrumpRyanCare, opposes sanctuary cities, opposes same-sex marriage, and opposes minimum wage increases. He has been constantly touring the nation’s fourth largest state praising Trump, including his decision to fire FBI Director James Comey. Gianforte and his wife support various conservative Christian groups, including Focus on the Family.
While House Speaker Paul Ryan condemned Gianforte’s body slam as Bannon yelled, “Us Trumpites will do anything to follow our Führer! “That’s how to win the hearts and minds of America!”
Montana’s three leading newspapers immediately rescinded their endorsements of Gianforte.
Montana is an early voting state, and, as of press time, more than two thirds of the ballots in the Treasure State have been turned in. Results will come this evening, with musician Rob Quist, the Democratic candidate, poised to win.