Trump Taps Disgraced Former Alabama Gov To Serve As Ben Carson's Deputy

As with most sub-cabinet positions in Donald Trump’s America, there are a lot of vacancies.


Associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones pestered Donald Trump’s press secretary, Sean Spicer, earlier today to ask him when Mr. Megabucks will nominate a Deputy Secretary to serve under Housing and Urban Development Secretary Ben Carson. That position is currently vacant. “Vacant" is a very good adjective to describe Ben Carson’s experience in public policy involving housing. Carson is the only presidential candidate in recent memory to have seemingly fallen asleep during a presidential debate, even though he was standing next to the Blusterer-in-Chief, Donald Trump, at the time.


Jones has just learned that to fill the vacancy in the position of Deputy Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, Trump will nominate former Alabama Gov. Robert Bentley, who resigned yesterday rather than face impeachment for violating the Yellowhammer State's ethics and campaign finance laws.


A Deacon no less than four times at First Baptist Church of Tuscaloosa, and a member of the Youth for Christ advisory board there, as well as a member of the Family Counseling Advisory Board, also at his Southern Baptist church, Bentley was the 2009 recipient of the Christian Coalition of Alabama’s Statesmanship Award.


Bentley is a dermatologist, a medical specialty which he found very useful during his affair with Rebekah Mason, a married woman who was his senior political advisor. Dermatologists specialize in conditions of the skin, and he enjoyed Rebekah’s skin a lot. Bentley was careful enough to allow his wife to record surreptitiously the following phone message which he left for Rebekah:


“When I stand behind you and I put my arms around you and I put my hands on your breasts and I put my hands on you and pull you in real close, hey, I love that too.”


But Bentley asserted that his relationship with Rebekah was not sexual. This, of course, reminds us of President Bill Clinton’s claim concerning Monica Lewinsky that “I did not have sex with that woman, Miss Lewinsky.”


Bentley’s wife of fifty years, Dianne, filed for divorce against the governor in 2015, after her husband became known all over Alabama as the “Luv Gov.”


It was only through the diligent efforts of Jones that Carson learned that Trump plans to nominate Bentley to serve as his Deputy. Carson, a zealous and hyper-moralistic Christian, told Jones “I will try really hard to forgive Gov. Bentley for his sins against God, but, to tell you the truth, Johanna, I don’t know the first thing about running a government department with a $32 billion budget. I desperately need a man like Bob Bentley to run this Department of which I am only a figurehead leader, as the only black man in Mr. Trump’s Cabinet. I am so happy that Mr. Trump has decided to slash my budget to $2 billion to pay for his $54 billion increase in the Defense Department budget; this means I’ll have a lot less to worry about.”


For his part, Bentley told Jones that he is happy to be working for Trump, a man well-known for being a serial monogamagist. Trump had a well-publicized affair with Marla Maples while he was still married to Ivana. Marla is the mother of 23-year old Tiffany Trump, a member of the Trump family with no discernible qualifications to do anything except appear on stage as a duffus, or should we say a duffa (that said, it could be said in Tiffany’s favor that she, unlike her half-sister Ivanka, has never sat with her father as he met with a foreign head of state).


Alabama’s new governor, Kay Ivey, was, as recently as 1982, a Democrat, but she converted to the Republican faith some years ago. Ivey told associate solitary reporter Calista Lamar that she became a Republican “because those guys seem to have a lot more fun.” The governor was referring to Judge Roy Moore, “The Ten Commandments Judge.” Moore was elected Chief Justice of Alabama twice, but he never got to serve out either term. The first time, it was because he refused to comply with a federal court order to remove his monument to the Ten Commandments from the courthouse; the second time, it was because he directed probate judges to continue to enforce Alabama’s ban on same-sex marriage despite the fact that it had been overturned.


Gov. Ivey was also undoubtedly referring to Mike Hubbard, the former House speaker and, of course, a Republican, who was convicted in June and imprisoned for using his office for personal gain.


Ivey is hell-bent to run for governor in 2018. If elected, she’ll undoubtedly meet Democrat Cary Kennedy at a National Governors Association meeting. Kennedy is more than likely to be elected as Colorado’s first woman governor. 


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