MAR-a-LAGO ESTATES — Now that bumbling House Intelligence Committee Chairman Devin Nunes (R-California) has been forced to recuse himself from his committee’s investigation into Donald Trump’s very cozy (until yesterday) relationship with Russia, Trump's Chief Strategist, Steve Bannon, has figured out where to send the 43-year-old Congressman. Associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones was with Trump, Bannon, and Chinese President Xi Jinlin.
“Donald,” Bannon said, as Trump was infelicitously and unsuccessfully trying to impress Xi with his ability to use chopsticks while devouring one of his patented steaks, “why not send Little Devin to Lisbon as your ambassador? He’s Portuguese American, and Portugal doesn’t count for squat anymore.”
Try as he might, Xi was unable to stifle a laugh as he saw Trump throw his useless chopsticks to a nearby table, where mega-rich guests at Mar-a-Lago were gawking at the spectacle of the Twitterer-in-Chief trying to use chopsticks to eat a Trump steak.
“The poor dolt doesn’t know the first thing about foreign policy," Bannon continued, "so I think you should send him with Tillerson when Rex goes to Moscow on Tuesday. That way, he’ll look as though he knows something about how the world works, and Tillerson might even give him a free tank of Exxon Mobil gas."
“Of course, Donnie, Putin may cancel the Tillerson visit after your tomahawks inconvenienced some of Putin’s airmen in Syria yesterday, and if he does, that would certainly be a shame, as it is very important for you to be able to augment your financial empire by putting a lot of tawdry, glitzy resorts in Russia. ln their heart of hearts, the Russian people really, truly love the best in American capitalism, so they’ll love your casinos, especially Putin’s oligarchs."
Trump quickly recovered from his chopsticks debacle, saying, “I’m so glad McConnell nuked Schumer and the Senate rules so we can get Gorsuch in there to irritate Bader Ginsberg with his bland manner; Neil’s gonna agree with me in my drive to replace the First Amendment with the Second Amendment, and he’ll overrule Roe v. Wade just to piss off Pelosl. Then, if Neil can get Ginsburg to retire, along with Kennedy, then, before we know it, with McConnell’s nuclear option in place, it’ll be so easy for me to run for a third term in 2020."
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