WASHINGTON —True enough, we reported yesterday that Chief Justice John Roberts had decided to boycott the inauguration of the only man elected president of the land of the free and the home of the brave with no government service whatsoever — never previously elected to public office, never having served as a general or as an admiral. Just a business tycoon, and a hatemonger at that.
But at the very last minute, the Chief Justice, a Republican and a brilliant jurist at that, changed his mind.
So now, the president of the United States of America is a man who by all the available evidence has a classic narcissistic personality disorder.
There was something wrong with Richard Milhous Nixon, too.
Speaking from the same lectern from which President Barack Obama spoke eight years ago in a message of unity and hope, Donald J.Trump, a nativist, spoke for sixteen minutes in apocalyptic terms, invoking 1920s-era themes of America First; vowing to upgrade our military and naval forces, and to forge new alliances overseas; and promising a better educational system for our youth as well as badly needed infrastructure improvements. He trashed the “establishment,” which obviously includes House Speaker Paul Ryan and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, neither of whom wanted him to be nominated by the Old Party (sorry, we forgot the G…).
Notably, the 45th president failed to address the problem of how to replace the worn-out bridge in Denver which takes I-70 from Brighton Boulevard to Colorado Boulevard, a distance of two miles. The bridge was erected in the 1960s, cutting off three underserved neighborhoods (Globeville, Elyria, and Swansea) in North Denver from the rest of the Mile High City. Trump must have neglected to speak with the hundreds of neighborhood activists who advocate for a much more sensible reroute for I-70. But we must not forget that Mr. Trump lost the Centennial State bigtime to the best qualified presidential candidate since Michael Dukakis, and that Colorado Republicans did not give him their votes on March 1 during their caucuses, preferring instead Sen. Ted Cruz (TP-Texas), who is sure to challenge Trump in 2020.
Mr. Trump vowed to eradicate ”radical Islamic terrorism.” But he didn’t say how he’s going to do that. Folks in the Middle East, Nigeria, and Libya, get ready. As Creedence Clearwater Revival’s John Fogerty famously sang in “Bad Moon Rising,” [“I] hope you are quite prepared to die.”
Although he falsely claimed that the people attending his inauguration on the National Mall broke attendance records, he failed to give a shoutout to associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones, who spotted Russian President Vladimir Putin among the visiting heads of state. As Trump spoke, Putin nodded approvingly at every word.
At several of the inaugural balls, Putin danced with the third Mrs. Trump, who is about to be named as our ambassador to Slovenia. Mrs. Trump smiled ever so briefly as Putin tried to snuggle up close to her. Putin, who is divorced, and who is one of the world’s wealthiest persons, took this as encouragement before heading to the Russian Embassy, where he will host Mr. Trump at an elaborate luncheon today. The two leaders will discuss the formation of a bilateral free trade zone, and they will announce an agreement in early February to build a bridge to connect Big Diomede (о́стров Ратма́нова) in Russia with Little Diomede (formerly known as Krusenstern Island) in the United States. The two islands are about five miles apart in the Bering Strait. The Putin-Trump Bridge will not be a bridge to nowhere. Today’s luncheon with Putin required the 45th president to cancel his previously planned visit to International Falls in Koochiching County, Minnesota, where he had intended to begin construction with his own little hands of his Wall between the United States and Canada. Trump insists on keeping associate solitary reporter Gary Zeman, a proud resident of Edmonton and a noted authority on hockey, from entering the United States.
As of press time, it is unclear who the fourth Mrs. Trump will be. If Mr. Trump’s nominee to be Secretary of Education were a divorcée, it might be Betsy DeVos, a billionaire like him, and one of the Michigan Republicans who helped engineer his victory in her state. Or it might be his nominee to be Secretary of Transportation, Elaine Chao, if she were not married to McConnell.
All our associate solitary reporters were present on the National Mall, and they listened in rapt attention as Nobel laureate Bob Dylan interrupted Mr. Trump’s inaugural address as soon as he promised to nuke ISIS. Perched on top of the Washington Monument, Dylan, with heavy amplification, sang the last verse of “A Hard Rain’s A-Gonna Fall”:
And what'll you do now, my blue-eyed son?
And what'll you do now, my darling young one?
I'm a-goin' back out 'fore the rain starts a-fallin'
I'll walk to the depths of the deepest black forest
Where the people are many and their hands are all empty
Where the pellets of poison are flooding their waters
Where the home in the valley meets the damp dirty prison
And the executioner's face is always well hidden
Where hunger is ugly, where souls are forgotten
Where black is the color, where none is the number
And I'll tell it and think it and speak it and breathe it
And reflect it from the mountain so all souls can see it
Then I'll stand on the ocean until I start sinkin'
But I'll know my song well before I start singin'
And it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard
It's a hard rain's a-gonna fall
Trump then left his adoring Trumpites to enjoy lobster and steak with a lot of bored Members of Congress.