Jones Scoops Trump's Inaugural Address

The man with the fake hair, who is the principal beneficiary of the fake news movement, has hired longtime Republican political operative Stephen Miller to write his inaugural address, as Shane Goldmacher writes in today’s Politico. Donald Trump has tapped Miller as his national policy director; Miller’s the guy who wrote most of the (few) prepared speeches that Trump gave in his campaign to make America worse again.


So we asked intrepid associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones to hack into Miller’s computer, where she found an outline of the inaugural speech which he is drafting for our next president.


“First thing tomorrow morning,” Trump will say, "I’m gonna tell my Director of the Small Business Administration, Linda McMahon, to advise all small businesses how to become big businesses by building casino resorts.”


“And I have asked Linda to reach out to all the fantastic, terrific, gunshop owners and gun show operators to apply for financial aid from Jeff Sessions’ Justice Department, so we can control the inner cities better.”


“Next, I will direct the Congress to quadruple the funding for state and local police forces to patrol our inner cities.”


“And I’ve asked Jeff to prepare a constitutional amendment to replace the First Amendment with the Second Amendment. That will pass easily, because I’m gonna hold yuge rallies around the country to get it passed.”


“Homeland Security Secretary John Kelly will be sending anybody who disagrees with me to Gitmo."


“I am requiring all 31 Republican governors to round up all illegal aliens within their states, send them to the places they came from, or to Gitmo if necessary, and send the bills for the expense of doing that to the few remaining Democrat governors.”


“Next week, my close personal friend, Vladimir Putin, will be making a state visit. Of course, he’ll be staying as my guest at my new hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue.”


“Vlad and I will sit down and make the most fantastic deal you ever heard of: Vlad are I are gonna nuke the bejesus out of al-Baghdadi and the rest of ISIS. I’m rescinding the old rules of engagement for our armed forces, which keep us from attacking targets where there are civilians. We’re gonna nuke Raqaa, where al-Baghdadi is hiding among civilians. I‘m gonna draw on Vlad’s expertise in how to do that, since he has shown how effective he’s been in dealing with the terrorists in East Aleppo.”


After reading Miller’s draft, Jones sat down with Miller and his publicist, Ivanka Trump.


“When I was 16,” Miller said, “As a student at Santa Monica High School, I wrote a letter to the editor of the local Santa Monica newspaper, in which I said, 'Osama bin Laden would feel very welcome at Santa Monica High School.'”


“Oh, I love that!” Ivanka gushed.


“Then I went to Duke and wrote conservative columns for the school newspaper. I said Maya Angelou was guilty of 'racial paranoia.' Bill Clinton didn’t like that at all since Angelou recited a dumb-ass poem at his inauguration. That’s when I decided that only Donald Trump can make America just like it was in the 1950s."


Ivanka kissed Miller on the cheek and retired to her apartment in her father’s Tower to help her husband, Jared Kushner, vet the next round of her father’s applicants for top jobs in the White House.


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