MOBILE, ALABAMA — At the world headquarters of Apocryphal Press, in Denver, we have an ever-increasing number of associate solitary reporters. We keep hiring new ones out of sheer necessity, but the most important one of all is Johanna Jones, who covers Donald Trump day and night.
Jones disappeared on December 12 after Trump's chief thug, Corey Lewandowski, slammed her into a wall before taking her to the central offices of the Manhattan Republican Party, which our soon to be forty-fifth president is trying to turn into a casino, but to do that, he needs the permission of the General Services Administration, his landlord at the Trump International Hotel in Washington, only a few stones’ throws from the White House.
On Friday, Jones reappeared at Trump Tower, but only because ACLU President Susan Herman bailed her out.
Yesterday, Trump, wearing his red Make America Great Again baseball cap, came here to Mobile, Alabama’s third largest city, to embrace Alabama’s junior senator, Jeff Sessions, who, in a nod to his failed attempt in 1986 to be confirmed by the Senate as a federal district judge, was wearing a white Make America Great Again baseball camp.
Also yesterday, Trump, who isn’t even a real Republican by Tea Party standards, tapped Congressman Mick Mulvaney (TP-South Carolina) to be his be his Director of the Office of Management and Budget (OMB). The OMB, a federal bureaucracy with 529 employees, passes on all proposed federal regulations, and it frames the president’s budget before it is sent to The Hill, where Democrats who are Members of Congress do their best to keep underserved populations from being ripped off more than they usually are by Republican Members of Congress.
Congressman Mulvaney is a member of the Tea Party Caucus and the Freedom Caucus in the US House of Representatives. Mulvaney endorsed Sen. Rand Paul (TP-Kentucky), an ophthalmologist with no vision, during the presidential primaries.
Another plucky reporter, Nancy Cook, reported on the Mobile event for Politico (http://www.politico.com/story/2016/12/trump-jeff-sessions-kellyanne-conway-alabama-mobile-232779). But Cook totally failed to report that from the audience, amid a sea of entirely white faces, Jones shouted out to the president-in-waiting, “You a__h__ e, you m____r, you don’t believe in the least in the Tea Party!! By putting Mulvaney in OMB, you’re just throwing bones to those followers of Rand Paul who totally despise you!!"
As soon she stood up and yelled her mildly derogatory comments, Jones was punched and bloodied by dozens of the esteemed Trumpians in the audience. Thrilled at the sight of Jones’ blood, the Trumpians immediately began yelling ”Lock Her Up!” — so Jones concluded that they were referring to her rather than to Hillary Clinton.
Jones was then carried on a stretcher to the offices of the Mobile County Republican Party. She was really hoping to be back at her Denver office in time to walk in the bitter cold to Denver’s Mile High Stadium so she could watch the Denver Broncos this afternoon as they are being mauled by Tom Brady’s New England Patriots, but there she is, locked up at the Mobile County Republican Party. And there, left totally alone, as she is being held in solitary confinement, all she can do is sing softly to herself “Oh, Mama, can this really be the end, to be stuck inside of Mobile with the Memphis blues again."