Why Trump Will Abolish the Central Intelligence Agency

RNC HEADQUARTERS, TRUMP TOWER — After reading David Greenberg’s essay in yesterday’s Politico Magazine, “An Intellectual History of Trumpism,“ associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones interviewed Trump Himself, only moments ago. 


“Mr. President-elect,” Jones began, ever courageous, “I'd like to talk with you about your choice for director of the Central Intelligence Agency.”


“Mike Pompeo? He's a fantastic guy, and he represents Wichita in the House, and he's very close to Charles Koch, who lives there. He’s a True Red member of the Tea Party." 


"He has worked hard as a member of the House Intelligence Committee, and he knows how things in Washington work. He is a very, very intelligent man."


“I read with great interest,” Jones, ever plucky, continued, "David Greenberg’s article in yesterday’s Politico Magazine about the history of paleoconservatism and the America First movement, the nativist movement, and their connection to the white supremacy movement and the Alt-right. Greenberg also shows you are pretty much a 21st-century representative of the Know Nothing Movement in the mid-19th century.”


Trump motioned for his chief thug, Corey Lewandowski, to approach.


“Not only that, Sir, Greenberg writes at length about how your racism, America Firstism, and isolationism have all merged into the phenomenon known as Trumpism."


As Lewandowski grabbed Jones, but just before he started slamming her into the wall, Jones yelled out, “Sir, you don’t believe in receiving daily intelligence briefings, and all your supporters wonder how intelligent you are when you won’t even talk with the Central Intelligence Agency. Even today, Mitch McConnell says he has great faith in the CIA in particular."


The president-elect fulminated and frothed at the mouth as he shouted, “I’m gonna abolish the CIA! There is no intelligent being there! And where the CIA headquarters is now, in Langley, I’m puttin’ up a yuge resort, golf course, and casino, and Virginians will love me for it!"


Jones’ whereabouts are presently unknown.


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