Trump To Pick Duterte As ATF Director

RNC HEADQUARTERS, TRUMP TOWER — With our crack associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones sitting in, the Trump presidential transition team is seriously considering whether to abolish the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms.


“The president-elect has already decided to replace the First Amendment with the Second Amendment,” Attorney General-designate Jeff Sessions said. “Under the Trump Administration, we don’t need an ATF.”


“Senator," Chief Strategist Stephen Bannon said, “of course we should get rid of the ATF, but until we do, let’s do this: Mr. Trump has a great rapport with Rudolfo Duterte in Manila. Mr. Trump praised Duterte for how he’s handling his war on the drug lords and drug dealers over there in the Philippines. At Mr. Trump’s invitation, Duterte will be here in New York City pretty soon, and then he'll be visiting us in the White House. I also really like it that Duterte called Obama the son of a whore at the ASEAN meeting in Laos in September.”


Incoming Chief of Staff Reince Priebus chimed in. “Sure, Steve, once he’s here, we will immediately naturalize him as an American citizen (sorry, Jeff) and then, once he ’s a citizen, we'll offer him the job of Director of the ATF. Jeff, the ATF is part of the Department of Justice. Don’t you think he’d be perfect for the job?”


Sessions considered the matter and said, “Well, Ah guess it’s all right with me, Ah just wish he were here a lot sooner so he can start huntin' down and killin' drug dealers right here in Washington."

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