In today’s Politico, Andrew Restuccia reports on Donald Trump’s claim that he would have easily won the popular vote over Hillary but for millions of illegal voters. Associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones, constantly dogging the president-elect (like your solitary reporter, she doesn’t get much sleep) can only conjecture that Trump’s pure mendacity arises from marital problems.
“Oh, Johanna,” the third Mrs. Trump wailed, “I want so badly to go back to my family in Ljubljana!”
Jones already knew that during antiquity, Ljubljana, the capital of Slovenia, was the site of a Roman city called Emona, so she could readily sympathize with Melania’s moaning.
Also as reported in today’s Politico by ace reporter Burgess Everett, Sen. Ted Cruz (TP-Texas) ain’t gonna replace Justice Antonin Scalia on the Supreme Court.
Ted (remember TrustTed’s campaign bus?), to be considered for the all-important Supreme Court vacancy, would have had to make the 45th president walk back from his promise during the campaign to choose somebody whose name he had previously floated — and Colorado Supreme Court Justice Allison Eid, and 10th Circuit Court Of Appeals Chief Judge Tim Tymkovich are both on the Exalted List of Eleven.
Instead, Ted, the most disliked senator in Washington, will remain as the Lone Star State’s junior senator, where he will be a constant (more than an) irritant to Trump, laying the groundwork for a ferocious challenge to him in 2020.
So associate solitary reporter Jeanne Smith thrust herself into Cruz’ office -- unlike Jones, not attempting in the least to offer pastoral care, and began singing the iconic Bob Dylan song, “Like a Rolling Stone.” When she got to the refrain, “How does it feel/to be on your own/with no direction home/like a complete unknown/like a rolling stone?,” Cruz grabbed a heavy plaster of Paris model of a Texas oil well and threw it as hard as he could at Smith, whereupon Smith kicked him in the cojones. Writhing in pain, the Tea Party darling pressed the panic button for the Capitol Police, but they were far too busy doing petty chores for Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell.
Yesterday, our post was "Trump Appoints West Virginia Latino Congressman As Ambassador to Cuba,” but most of you devoted readers didn’t receive it because of a clerical error in our Denver headquarters, but if you’re curious, you can easily find it on our site map, apocryphalpress.com.