How Hillary and Tim Will Win

APOCRYPHAL PRESS WORLD HEADQUARTERS, DENVER — Moments ago, an unlikely cabal met here at AP World Headquarters to provide, as promised, our predictions of how demoniac Donald Trump will be fired by the American voting public.


The primary Kabbalists are associate solitary reporters Larry Theis (our chief European correspondent), Johanna Jones, Jeanne Smith, Sophia Nowing, and Robert Biensur. Here is how we here at AP forecast Hillary and Tim’s path to victory:


Hillary and Tim will win in:


Arizona (11 Electoral College votes), and 80 year-old John McCain who, despite being born in the middle of Panama, doesn’t speak Spanish, will lose to Congresswoman Ann Kirkpatrick.


California (55 Electoral College votes)


Colorado (9, partly because Colorado Republicans can’t stand Trump, having preferred Tea Party darling Ted Cruz instead, and because, to oppose the Centennial State’s senior senator, Michael Bennet, they chose Darryl Glenn, an African American version of Cruz who campaigned on the theme of being short, bald, unprettty, and determined never to cooperate with Democrats)


Connecticut (7, despite the strenuous efforts of retired NYSE CEO Sydney Williams III)


Delaware (3)


District of Columbia (3) (Bet you didn’t know that! Residents of our Nation’s Capital are permitted to vote for a nonvoting Delegate to the House of Representatives, but they are allowed to vote for president. They are not allowed to vote for a United States Senator, but the District does have three Electoral College votes.)


Florida (29)


Hawaii (4)


Illinois (20)


Maine (total of four, and Hillary will win three of those because Trump will win only in the Second Congressional District there. The Second Congressional District of Maine has a beautiful seacoast, a lot of trees and some beautiful mountains, but not much else by way of population, and The Donald is very popular there.)


Maryland (10)


Massachusetts (11)


Michigan (16) (yes, a Rust Belt state, but we think Hillary can pull off a close one there)


Minnesota (10)


Nevada (6, with Harry Reid’s seat going to Democrat Catherine Cortez Masto, who put up a heck of a fight against Congressman Joe Heck)


New Hampshire (4, in part because the Granite State’s junior senator, Kelly Ayotte —  who was elected in 2010 with Tea Party support —  is in a very close race for reelection against popular Democratic governor Maggie Hassan. Ayotte could never figure out how much she hates Trump, and she could never explain to Libertarian-leaning New Hampshire voters the difference between endorsing Trump and supporting the megalomaniac. In remote Coos County (it borders Québec), where virtually all that there is to look at is mountains, trees, and lakes, in the tiny town of Dixville Notch, 20 miles south of Québec, its eight voting residents have already voted for Hillary. Hillary received four votes, the nation’s leading xenophobe received two votes, Libertarian Gary Johnson garnered one vote, and Mitt (“47%") Romney triumphed with one vote. In frustration, Trump tried to scale the heights of precipitous Dixville Notch, but, because his diet consists only of fast foods, and because he is an angry old man at 70, when he attempted to scale the dangerous Notch, his crotch got caught halfway up on the protruding branch of a balsam. At this very moment, New Hampshire GOP Chair Jennifer Horn, assisted by Congressman Frank Guinta, is trying to extricate the mega-billionaire, but Congresswoman Annie McLane Kuster, a worthy Democrat who represents all 33,055 residents of Coos County, and who is noted for her effective advocacy on behalf of the pharmaceutical industry, dumped tons of sleeping pills onto Trump, Horn, and Guinta, causing them to fall into a deep sleep. 


New Mexico (5)


New York (29)


North Carolina, the state that doesn’t know what to do about bathrooms (15)


Oregon (7)


Pennsylvania (20)


Rhode Island (4)


Utah’s 6 Electoral College votes will go to Evan McMullin, an Independent Republican and a Mormon. His paper running mate is Nathan Johnson, but McMullin’s declared running mate is Mindy Finn.


Vermont (3)


Virginia (13)


Washington (12)


Wisconsin (10


Total: Clinton-Kaine, 330; McMullin-Johnson-Finn, 6; Trump-Pence got the dregs


(If Hillary loses Michigan and Florida, she still has 295 Electoral College votes, but she only needs 270)


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