BERLIN —Alt-right champion Stephen Bannon, the CEO of Donald Trump’s presidential campaign, is smart enough to know that Trump, the USA’s leading xenophobe, will lose big time to Hillary Clinton on November 8, barring some unforeseen circumstance.
Our crack associate solitary reporter, Johanna Jones, accompanied Bannon on a secret mission to Berlin, where he met with Manfred Rouhs and Alfred Dagenbach, the leaders of the Pro-Germany Citizens’ Movement (Bürgerbewegung pro Deutschland). Jones, who is fluent in German, translated for Mr. Trump, whose grandparents, Elizabeth Christ Trump and Friedrich Trump, immigrated to the United States from Germany. (Donald Trump long ago refused to learn any foreign language.) Friedrich Trump is descended from Hanns Drumpf, a lawyer, who first settled in Kallstadt in 1608.
The Bürgerbewegung pro Deutschland is an extreme right-wing political party which at present has no representation in the Bundestag. Its platform is based on right-wing populism, opposition to Islam, and Euroskepticism.
“Welcome to our sacred Fatherland, Mr. Bannon and Ms. Jones,” Rouhs, the Chairman of Bürgerbewegung pro Deutschland, said. "We are very confident that Mr. Trump will become the Führer of America, either by election, so as to make it nonviolent, or in a well-planned coup, which would be much messier.”
“Alfred,” Rouhs said, “bring out the brownshirts.”
Dagenbach disappeared into a large supply room off the main corridor of the Bürgerbewegung and promptly returned with several truckloads of brownshirts — the most prominent symbol of Adolf Hitler’s Sturmabtellung, or Storm Detachment, which played a significant role in Hitler's rise to power in the 1920s and 1930s.
“We’ve arranged for FedEx to ship these immediately to your campaign headquarters in Trump Tower,” Dagenbach said. “As soon as Herr Trump’s millions of devoted followers see our brownshirts, they will immediately change into them, and Herr Trump will have everything he needs for his putsch.”
Bannon, beaming from ear to ear, said, “How brilliant! This is exactly what we need to make America great again! German will become our official language!"
As soon as Bannon and Jones walked out of the Bürgerbewegung, Jones fled to the American Embassy, where she briefed Ambassador John Emerson on the trauma which she had just experienced.
“Ms. Jones, you are a national hero,” Emerson said, making her blush.
In other news, both Gary Johnson and Jill Stein, sensing the inevitability of Hillary Clinton’s victory and hoping to be included in her Cabinet, have withdrawn their candidacies in the interest of giving Mrs. Clinton a clear mandate to govern.
“I want Commerce,” Johnson explained to associate solitary reporter Jeanne Smith, "which I will turn into a gigantic marijuana business.”
“I want Energy,” Stein said, talking with associate solitary reporter Hieronymus Bosch. “I’m gonna turn America green again."