FARMVILLE, VIRGINIA — As usual, the mainstream media did not fully cover the vice presidential debate this evening.
As a scrappy Tim Kaine interrupted his sycophantic opponent, Indiana Gov. and Tea Party darling Mike Pence, for the first of many times, Donald Trump (he of the small hands and the big ____), wearing only a jockstrap, descended from the ceiling of the basketball gym at Longwood University. Trump was accompanied by his top bodyguard, Cory Lewandowski, and RNC Chairman Reince Priebus. Lewandowski shouted to Pence to take the gloves off.
Trump took one look at moderator Elaine Quijano and demanded to see her in a swimsuit.
When Quijano, a Filipino American, demurred, Trump demanded that she immediately introduce him to Philippines President Rudolfo Dutarte, who has vowed to exterminate all the drug dealers in his country. “The guy’s got real cojones," Trump shouted, “and I intend to give him a lot of our fantastic nukes so he can pulverize Xi JinPing over his artificial islands in the South China Sea."
Calmly surveying the scene, Hillary Clinton walked up to Trump with her tax returns, which Trump spat on, saying that only losers file tax returns, and immediately gave them to Priebus, instructing him to make toilet paper out of it and distribute the HRC toilet paper to his millions of deplorable followers.
Then Paul Manafort (Trump’s pick for Secretary of State) walked up to Kaine, speaking fluent Ukrainian, and told the veteran Virginia senator that his 3 1/2 years as a member of the Senate Foreign Affairs Committee “don’t count for diddly squat.”
Trump Campaign CEO and Chief Alt-right spokesman Stephen Bannon told Kaine to kiss his posterior, at which point Quijano blew the whistle and adjourned the debate.