Hillary Has Pneumonia; Trump Has Bile Duct Cancer

ON THE PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN TRAIL — Moments after Hillary Clinton, overheated and ill with pneumonia, left the annual 9/11 Memorial Service early, Donald Trump’s personal physician, Dr. Harold Bernstein, called Trump and said, “Mr. Trump, Sir, Hillary’s illness, and her stumble caught on camera yesterday as she was helped into a Secret Service van —— that, Sir, is your path to victory — — and yes, I’ll be very happy to serve You as Your Surgeon General.” Dr. Bernstein’s conversation with Trump was overheard by associate solitary reporter Jim Smith.


Enter your solitary reporter.


As all the world knows, the mega-billionaire is extraordinarily bilious. 


So the solitary reporter broke into Trump’s private suite in Trump Tower with Vice Admiral and Surgeon General Vivek Hallegere Murthy and, while Trump was sleeping, Dr. Murthy biopsied Trump’s biliary tract.


“This is a very serious situation,” Dr. Murthy said, after reviewing the pathology report, “and normally the fact that Mr. Trump is my patient would preclude me from even discussing it with you; but my first loyalty is to President Obama, Secretary Clinton, and the DNC.”


“Mr.Trump has cholanglocarcinoma — or bile duct cancer. There is no treatment except surgery, which I will undertake right away. SR, put on your scrubs.”


After an eight hour operation, Dr. Murthy called Interim DNC Chairperson Donna Brazile.


“Donna, Mr. Trump cannot campaign for at least nine weeks.”


Brazile then called RNC Chairman Reince Priebus to give him the news.


Priebus immediately convened the Second Chaotic Republican National Convention of 2016. As of press time, Sen. Ted Cruz (TP-Texas) and Ohio Gov. John Kasich were thought to be the leading candidates to carry high the banner of the Grand Old Party.


But former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee — who lost in his second effort to be nominated by the GOP for the presidency — was observed by associate solitary reporter John Jones in heavy-duty conversation with Liberty University President Jerry Falwell Jr.


Huckabee said, “Jerry, you and I both know that Trump — who has, no doubt, never even read The Book which he claims to be his favorite — is no true friend of us evangelicals.”


Falwell replied with alacrity. “Yes, Governor, you are so right. I let him sweet talk me into endorsing him in January, and he made me make a speech on his behalf in Cleveland at the RNC. Governor, Donald Trump is Lucifer — and there is only one person who can save the day for Our Party — and that’s you.”


Feigning modesty, Huckabee got on his private plane, sped to Preibus’ office, and demanded to be nominated in the Second RNC of 2016. “We need to put Christ in charge of the land of the free and the home of the brave,” Huckabee said. “And I am Christ’s man!"


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