Cruz Conscientiously Objects to Trump

QUICKEN LOANS ARENA, CLEVELAND — Defiant as always, and with his always greasy hair glimmering in the spotlight, Sen. Ted Cruz (TP-Texas) spoke for 20 minutes yesterday on the third day of the Republican National Convention, steadfastly refusing to endorse Donald Trump, and encouraged the Trumpites in the audience to vote their consciences in November.


Cruz’ payback against Trump overshadowed the speech by Trump’s hyper-conservative running mate, Mike Pence, who looked, as always, pretty much like a ghost. Pence explained that he is proud to be from Indiana.


A solitary reporter feared for his own safety as the Trumpites kept chanting “Lock Her Up!,” clearly referring to the most qualified Democratic presidential candidate in many years.


Associate solitary reporter John Jones managed to insinuate himself into Cruz’ inner circle and was told by Cruz’ wife, Heidi Cruz, that Cruz plans to filibuster all of Trump’s nominees after Trump takes the oath of office as president. “And we are going to establish a new party, the Lone Star Party,” she told Jones. "We will be the party which will take America much further to the right than Donald Trump has even thought about, because Donald Trump has committed a hostile takeover of the Grand Old Party.” For her own safety, security guards then escorted Mrs. Cruz into an undisclosed location away from the raucous and unhappy crowd.


Associate solitary reporter Larry Theis was in Berlin attending the get-acquainted meeting between the UK’s new Prime Minister, Theresa May, and German Chancellor Angela Merkel. Ms. May asked Theis why the American political system manages to drag its electoral process out so long. “Larry,” Ms. May said, “I took office only a few days after David Cameron resigned. And now you Yanks have to wait from now until November to find out who your next president is going to be? What gives?”


Theis gave a long and eloquent explanation of the utter dysfunctionality of the US political system, after which Ms. May thanked Theis and wished him a safe journey back to Colorado.


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Comments: 1
  • #1

    RGold (Saturday, 23 July 2016 18:52)

    I know it's been a hectic time for politics. But oh man, they don't make Solitary Reporters like they used to. TWO Associate Solitary Reports??!! [two that have been acknowledged, anyway]