QUICKEN LOANS ARENA, CLEVELAND — It is a truth universally acknowledged that your solitary reporter has been entrusted with informing his readers of a few of the politically bizarre events which are shaping the future of the land of the free and the home of the brave.
Yesterday evening, Dr. Ben Carson, who at one time was thought to be a man who might, incredibly enough, be nominated by the GOP as its presidential candidate, addressed thousands of cheering Trumpites here.
Early in his spectacularly successful neurosurgical career, Dr. Carson famously performed the first and only successful separation of Siamese twins joined at the back of the head.
He retired in 2013 and then ran for president, didn’t make it, and endorsed the mega-rich guy who lives in Trump Tower and Mar-A-Lago Estates.
Which means that he was invited to speak last night here at Quicken Loans Arena, where the NBA’s Cleveland Cavaliers play.
So how did Dr. Carson begin his oration?
Going radically off script, he asked Donald Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, and Trump’s Campaign Chairman, Paul Manafort, to join him. He then asked Dan Gilbert, the owner of the Cavaliers, to come up and join him on stage.
“Dan,” Carson began, “my adoring fans have often asked me to come out of retirement and resume my neurosurgery practice. God decided that I was not going to be president, but He still wants me to be in the political arena.”
“There has been a great deal of speculation,” Carson continued, “as to who is really running the presidential campaign of my close personal friend, Mr. Trump, after he fired his campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski. Some say that it is Paul, and others say that it is Jared.”
“There is only one way to figure that out, and that is for me to separate them surgically, just as I did back in 1987 at Johns Hopkins when I separated the conjoined twins, Patrick and Benjamin Binder.”
Carson then ordered Gilbert to place Kushner and Manafort on hospital gurneys, with their heads touching.
At the end of the ten hour operation, Manafort, a seasoned Republican political operative, walked off the stage and announced that he had left the Trump ("Make America Worse Again”) presidential campaign and that he would, instead, manage the campaign of Jedediah Smith, who is running for mayor of Amo, Indiana, a town of 401 souls in south-central Indiana. And Kushner emerged smiling and in full control of the Trump campaign, much to the horror of RNC Chairman Reince Priebus, House Speaker Paul Ryan, and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell.
Which makes Hillary even happier.