Report from RNC Headquarters in Trump Tower on the Nice Massacre

RNC HEADQUARTERS, TRUMP TOWER — As usual, your solitary reporter goes wherever he is needed.


On Thursday evening, as the solitary reporter was returning from a very successful fundraiser for Democratic State Senate candidate Rachel Zenzinger, he was listening to NPR and heard about the horrific massacre in Nice.


So he teleported himself to the 26th floor of Trump Tower, where he listened, surreptitiously of course, to The Donald, his non-Slovenian family members, and his campaign strategist, Paul Manafort.


“This guy Mohamed Lahouaiej Bouhiel — the Tunisian who drove that nineteen-ton cargo truck into the crowd celebrating Bastille Day on the Promenade des Anglais over there in Nice – he has done us a real favor, Sir!” said Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner. 


“Now all you have to do, Sir, is to ramp up your fear-mongering, and you are a sure bet for victory in December!”


“Hold on, Sonny,” Trump said. “Don’t confuse me. What’s Bastille Day?”


After Kushner explained that Bastille Day is like our Fourth of July, Trump pledged to seek a rare declaration of war from Congress against the Islamic State and demanded “extreme vetting” of immigrants and a complete ban on immigrants from “terrorist nations.” 


Indiana Gov. Mike Pence wanted to be included in the meeting but was refused admittance by Manafort.


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