Keillor's Plan to Take Back the House

ST. PAUL — A mere two days after Garrison Kiellor, Prairie Home Companion’s fabled creator and host, retired, the lanky native of Anoka called a press conference, attended mostly by a solitary reporter, saying, “SR, I know you like to brag, but you need to be humble about this, because I have granted you an exclusive.”


The solitary reporter immediately recited T.S. Eliot’s dictum, “Humility is endless,” and the press conference began.


“The dastardly Republicans,” Kiellor began, "outnumber us Democrats, Farmers, and Laborers in Minnesota's House of Representatives, 73 to 61, and with Donald Trump kidnapping the GOP, this is the time for us to carpe diem.” 


“We need to declare our independence from the Republicans."


“And I am the one to lead the charge. I am Guy Noir, Private Eye, and I will solve this mystery. I’m gonna represent Lake Wobegon. My campaign headquarters will be at The Sidetrack Tap, where Dorothy presides; she’s my campaign manager, and Pastor Liz is gonna pray me into the Speakership of the House since I am such a great speaker already.”


House Minority Leader Paul Thissen agreed with Kiellor’s plan in general, though he began strategizing how he would become Speaker of the House and keep Kiellor from grabbing the top job.


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