RNC HEADQUARTERS, TRUMP TOWER — Your solitary reporter has a number of tried and true formulas for bringing you accounts of the news that didn’t happen.
But today, his situation is different, because when he opened his New York Times this morning, he would have liked to have written everything in the article by Jeremy W. Peters and Ashley Parker, “Unpredictability Is Hallmark of Convention To Crown Donald Trump,” (http://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/02/us/politics/donald-trump-republican-convention.html?emc=edit_th_20160702&nl=todaysheadlines&nlid=64422958).
Until a few weeks ago, "Mr. Trump,” as his sycophantic aides always refer to him, didn’t even know the convention is to be held in Cleveland.
Always — and nothing but — an entertainer (and not even a good one), he thought about arriving in Cleveland on a train, but he quickly discarded the idea “because it’s already been done.” So he thought about arriving on the convention stage in a helicopter.
But there is one thing which he cannot control about his coronation: most of the major players in the Republican Party won’t even be there.
Unconventional and unorthodox non-politician that he is, he wants Serena Williams and other big-name athletes to have speaking parts.
So our associate solitary reporter, John Jones, was granted an exclusive interview by Serena at her home in Palm Beach Gardens, Florida.
Serena Is a lifelong Jehovah’s Witness. Jehovah’s Witnesses commonly refer to their body of beliefs as “the truth,” and they consider themselves to be “in the truth.” They believe that secular society is morally corrupt and under the influence of Satan. They do not vote.
“Ms. Williams,” Jones began, “Donald Trump wants you to give him a big hug — with Melania watching ever so closely — after you give a big time speech endorsing him in Cleveland.”
“Will you do it?”
“Why would I do such a stupid thing? In truth, the man is nothin' but po’ white trash.”
When Paul Manafort, Trump’s campaign manager, saw a transcript of Jones’ interview with Serena, he immediately told Mr. Trump’s longtime aide, Hope Hicks, to sign up Von Miller, the Denver Broncos’ star outside linebacker, to speak in Cleveland. But when associate solitary reporter Jim Smith spoke with Miller — who was the MVP in the Broncos’ victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50 — Miller told Smith, “Sir, in my spare time I raise chickens, and the only thing I know about Donald Trump is that he is nothing but a chicken, and he’s not even worth chicken shit."