Trump Taps Berlusconi As Veep

TRUMP FOR PRESIDENT CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS, TRUMP TOWER — As Donald Trump deftly consolidates his hold on the Republican Party, his Italian counterpart, Silvio Berlusconi, flew to Trump Tower earlier today to endorse his fellow mega-billionaire. Their meeting was witnessed by a solitary reporter.


The arrival of Berlusconi immediately fueled speculation as to what role the 79-year old media tycoon and three-time Prime Minister of Italy, convicted of tax fraud in 2013, would play in Trump’s campaign.


As the solitary reporter watched from a lamppost outside Trump Tower, Trump said, “Silvio, I need your help. The Lefties and the media are all over my case because I won’t release my tax returns, which is none of their damn business.”


“You know a lot about how to cheat the government. Because you are so good at this, I want you to be my running mate.”


“A lot of people who should be begging me to name them as my running mate are letting down the cause of capitalism, which is what made this country great, and it helped you out a lot too."


“It doesn’t matter that you are not an American citizen. When I take office on January 20, my first action will be to sign an executive order naming you an honorary American citizen.”


Berlusconi responded, “Ovviamente, io e te cara una grande squadra!” ("You bet, you and I will make a great team!”)


Upon learning of Trump’s selection of Berlusconi, Reince Priebus, the Chairman of the RNC, was taken to George Washington University Hospital for treatment of extreme shock and anxiety. There, he was visited by Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, who told Priebus, “It’s gonna be ok, Reince. The Koch Brothers and many other patriots are gonna give Trump $150 million to induce him to quit the race. Count on Paul Ryan to be named as our true conservative candidate next month in Cleveland."


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