PANAMA CITY, PANAMA – After shocking Wall Street yesterday by suggesting on MSNBC that as Commander-In-Chief of the World he would decide not to repay all the US national debt owed to foreign creditors, The Donald, meeting surreptitiously with our associate solitary reporter, John Jones, now says that he will solve his credibility problem with Wall Street by buying it outright and moving it outside the country, maybe to Slovenia, where his sexy third wife, Melania, is from.
Meeting in secret with associate solitary reporter Jim Smith in his plush office on Wall Street, NYSE CEO Sydney Williams immediately distanced himself from the idea. “Jim,” Williams said, “if Trump tries to do that, we have our own very unique way of dealing with it: we will simply move Wall Street to Canada. Let’s face it, Gotham is Gotham. Outsourcing Wall Street will be just as easy as Pfizer moving its corporate headquarters to Ireland.”
“I hear there’s lots of really cheap land in Fort McMurray,” Williams continued. "We in Wall Street like to make money in ways both large and small. Costs are always a consideration. But once we enlightened capitalists make our always sound business decisions, we expect the hoi polloi to fall in line immediately, at our command.”
Although Williams’ boring chitchat was putting Smith to sleep, things promptly changed when Jeffrey Sprecher barged in.
Sprecher runs Intercontinental Exchange – the company that owns, among its many holdings, the New York Stock Exchange. Rudely and with unbearable condescension, Sprecher said, “Williams, you**** ****, as usual, you have it all wrong. I have no problem with the New York Stock Exchange and its thousands of stock brokers leaving the United States, but why Canada? Panama is a well revered tax haven. It’s no coincidence that the Panama Papers were generated in the most notorious tax haven in the Western Hemisphere. Canada has taxes, which makes it a Socialist country.”
Although Williams had also been thinking seriously about moving Wall Street to Ireland (“bucolic, great scenery, Guinness and Harp, as well as Jameson Irish Whiskey”), he suddenly switched gears after Sprecher’s admonition. “Panama it is. Ireland and Canada both have high taxes."
The Williams-Sprecher decision was greeted with jubilation by Panamanian president Juan Carlos Varela. “Here in Panama,” Valera, seated in his gold-plated office in the presidential residence in the Palacio de las Garzas, explained to a solitary reporter, “we are very serious about keeping our papers in good order, which is why the theft of the Panama Papers was such a devastating assault on Panamanian sovereignty.”
"I just now,” Varela continued, "got off the phone with my close personal friend Rubén Hernández, who runs Mossack Fonseca, the law firm whose Panama Papers were hacked. He is much more powerful than I am, and he told me that the New York Stock Exchange and everybody on Wall Street would be very welcome here. In fact, Rubén assured me that Mossack Fonseca will build, for Williams and Sprecher, El Templo Del Capitalismo, or The Temple of Capitalism, right next to its own sanctuary on Calle 54 Este.”
Williams and Sprecher immediately prepared to move their families to Panama City. Trump tweeted his followers, “Good riddance to those Wall Street crooks, who never did *** for my glorious casinos,” while Hillary Clinton, who zealously represented Wall Street when she was in the Senate, attacked Trump for having diarrhea of the mouth and for not giving a damn about the capitalistic engine that supports her presidential campaign.
“It’s too damn hot and humid in Panama,” Mrs. Clinton said to her top aide, Huma Amedin. “I would never think of going down there to give a private talk to Goldman Sachs stockbrokers unless they paid me a million dollars a minute.”
From his campaign headquarters in his adopted hometown of Burlington, Clinton’s constantly nagging rival, Bernie Sanders, said that when he moves into the White House on January 20, his first act will be to demand that Congress pass a law requiring Williams and Sprecher, and the New York Stock Exchange, and all its thousands of stockbrokers, to stay in the United States, preferably in Vermont, where he expects them to turn over all their profits to his recently established Socialist Democratic Party.
Williams and Sprecher responded to Sanders’ threat by thumbing their noses at Sanders’ seventy-four year old visage. “Bernie's burned,” they tweeted to Sanders’ campaign manager, Jeff Weaver. “It’s a fait accompli.”
Hernández said that he is enthusiastic about building El Templo Del Capitalismo immediately adjacent to his sanctuary at Calle 54 Este, as long as they agree to kick back to him 80% of their profits.