Trump Taken To DC's Mental Hospital

WASHINGTON — Moments ago, the Democrats’ dream come true of a Republican opponent to run against Hillary was taken to Saint Elizabeths Hospital in southeast Washington. This is how it happened.


In the middle of his victory lap, Trump, with his third wife, Slovenian supermodel Melania, decided that it was high time for them to visit the White House, where they plan to be living on January 20.


Their visit was arranged by Secret Service Director Joseph Clancy, accompanied by a solitary reporter.


St. Elizabeths was opened in 1855 as the first  psychiatric hospital in the United States. At its peak, the St. Elizabeths campus housed 8,000 patients and employed 4,000 people.


Controversial poet Ezra Pound was there for more than 12 years. John Hinckley, who did his best to kill President Reagan in 1981 but failed, has spent a great deal of time there, though he is allowed to visit his mommy frequently.


The Trumps, Clancy, several of his burly assistants, and the solitary reporter were greeted in the Roosevelt Room by Dr. Renée Binder, the president of the American Psychiatric Association. Dr. Binder’s evaluation of Trump’s pathology was concise and swift.


“Sir, you are an open and shut case. You have all the symptoms of classical narcissistic personality disorder. My associates have attended all your rallies and have frequently seen you foaming at the mouth.You are a danger to the entire world. Take him away.”


Within half an hour, the presumptuous Republican nominee was seen in the Intake Unit at St. Elizabeths. Melania stayed in the Lincoln Bedroom for a few minutes, sold some of her pricey baubles, posed for a Playboy centerfold, and signed autographs before taking a limousine to Dulles International Airport, where she caught the first light to Frankfurt, and then to Ljubljana, the capital of Slovenia. “My husband has no toleration for immigrants,” Mrs. Trump explained to our associate solitary reporter, John Jones. “Donald is too old for me, I never see him anymore, and you know what? His hands are tiny, and you know what that means. So I decided to come home to Mommy.”


Trump will be at St. Elizabeths for an indefinite period. His campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski, is housed in an adjacent room.


RNC Chairman Reince Priebus called Sen. Marco Rubio (TP-Florida) and told him to come out of political exile. “You’ll do just fine, Marco,” Priebus said. “Start writing your acceptance speech for Cleveland.”


As of press time, Priebus had not yet decided on a running mate for Rubio, but former Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal’s name was frequently mentioned, along with former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee and Ben Carson, whose creds as a physician made him attractive to Priebus, who told an aide that Rubio needs to be watched closely lest he become apoplectic when the subject of Cuba arises.


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