Trump Drafts Manning for Trump University, Blasts Bloomberg

DENVER – Moments after Peyton Manning, quite possibly the greatest NFL quarterback of all time, announced his retirement yesterday, he was on the phone with Donald Trump. A solitary reporter was at Manning’s side.


“Peyton,” Trump began, “I have the perfect job for you.”


Manning, surprised by the telephone call from Trump, wondered what was coming next.


“Sheriff,” Trump continued, “my opponents are all over my case about Trump University.”


“I want you to help me bring it back. I want you to be the Athletic Director for TU. I’ll double your salary with the Denver Broncos.”


A humble man, Manning replied, “Mr. Trump, I am deeply flattered, but I gave a lot of money to Jeb’s campaign, and I didn’t like the way you treated him. I love football — a game which God has blessed – and I sure appreciate your phone call, but I am not a political person. I’m not so sure that I could do this for you, and I haven’t yet figured out what God wants me to do.”


“Son,” Trump insisted, “your country needs you.”


Quickly pivoting in his life plans, and intrigued by the prospect of leading an athletic program, and much to his own surprise, and to the astonishment of his wife, Ashley, Manning is now on his way to Trump Tower, on Trump’s private jet, to conclude the deal.


In other news, in his daily rant while campaigning in Michigan, where he is leading in the polls for today’s GOP presidential primary, Trump lambasted former New York mayor and fellow mega-billionaire Michael Bloomberg for announcing yesterday that he will not run as an Independent against Trump and Hillary Clinton. “I’m gonna carry all 50 states, Bloomberg or no Bloomberg,” Trump said. “The guy’s Jewish and I’m a Christian, just like Peyton Manning is. I was really looking forward to campaigning against two New Yorkers, Bloomberg and Clinton, at the same time, and I need diversity in the Trump Administration.” He instructed his campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski, to approach Bloomberg with a vice presidential offer. “And I absolutely will not take no for an answer,” Trump said, as he sent Lewandowski on his way.


Once word leaked out that Trump is insisting that Bloomberg, a fellow New Yorker, be his running mate, talking heads immediately said that that was politically impossible, but Trump said that it is not only not required in the Constitution that the candidate for vice president be a citizen of the same state as the presidential candidate, but that he doesn’t give a damn about political tradition anyway. “If anybody thinks that’s a problem,” Trump said, “I’ll just move to my Mar-a-Lago Club in Palm Beach. Melania needs a good tan anyway. Let’s not forget: Cheney was living in Texas when he instructed W that he had to pick him for his vice-president, so then he changed his legal residence back to Wyoming, just to things would look good.”


A spokesman for Bloomberg, asked for comment by our associate solitary reporter, John Jones, said that Bloomberg is much richer than Trump and that Trump would not provide enough military and diplomatic support to the State of Israel if he were to be elected president. "Besides,” Bloomberg said, “I can’t stand the guy. He’s so totally nouveau riche."

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