Christie Blames Cruz For Tornadoes In Texas

DIXVILLE NOTCH, NEW HAMPSHIRE  – As he heaved his Big Body over what were supposed to be gigantic snowdrifts here (only there is no snow here because of climate change deniers like Sen. James Inhofe, R.-Oklahoma), New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie blamed one of his principal rivals for the GOP presidential nod, Sen. Ted Cruz (TP-Texas) for the really bad weather in the South. Christie was closely observed by a solitary reporter as the fat governor, speaking to a crowd of twelve former employees of The Balsams Grand Resort proclaimed, “Even though I am a very red conservative, as well as incredibly handsome, I am a whole lot more palatable to the voters of this country whose sole desire is to defeat Hillary Clinton, than that crazy-ass guy from the Lone Star State, who, truth be told, only wants to create a theocracy as soon as he walks into the White House, with himself as the chief god.”


Christie, observed by the solitary reporter and more moose than people, stood in subzero weather outside The Balsams, which has been shuttered since 2011. Before it was closed, The Balsams, every four years, was world-renowned for being the first voting precinct in the United States to report presidential election results. The Balsams is about a thirty minute drive south of Québec, in Coös County, New Hampshire. In 2014, former American Skiing Company head Les Otten joined the Balsams redevelopment effort. He wants to expand the current ski area to quadruple its current size and thus make it one of the largest ski areas in the Northeast.


Only problem is, here we are on Boxing Day, and there just ain’t no snow because of warm fuzzy guys like Inhofe, the chief climate change denier in the United States, and Dallas has just been hit by a tornado, meaning that Cruz will have to quit prancing around like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer in Iowa, home of the nation’s most fervent evangelical voters, and go back home and try to explain to the damned fools who elected him that climate change is for real.


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