TULSA — This morning, the president of Oral Roberts University, Billy Wilson, did something special.
Wilson, who has been president of ORU since 2013, is well known in the evangelical community for bringing together conservative Christians. A well-known student of Pentecostalism, which encourages worshipers to speak in tongues, Wilson attended Pentecostal Theological Seminary in Cleveland, Tennessee, where he earned his Master of Arts and Doctor of Ministry degrees.
This morning, during Sunday worship in Christ Chapel on the main campus of ORU, President Wilson, in an unusual special ceremony witnessed (and participated in) by a solitary reporter, conferred on Donald John Trump an honorary doctoral degree in Basic Gynecology.
This is how it came about.
Last Thursday, at the mega-debate among ten males seeking the nomination of the Republican Party for the presidency to oppose Bernie Sanders, Señor Trump, reveling in his machismo, got into it with Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly. Later, he announced to the world that she had been unfair and mean to him because of “… blood coming out of her — — — wherever.” As a result, Trump was disinvited to a gathering of Republican conservatives in Atlanta at which several of his opponents for the Republican nomination appeared.
Trump, who is relishing his standing as Top Dog/Top Gun in the polls, is a Presbyterian. In an April 2011 interview, on the 700 Club, Trump said, “I’m a Protestant, I’m a Presbyterian. And you know I’ve had a good relationship with the church over the years. I think religion is a wonderful thing. I think my religion is a wonderful religion.”
Presbyterians notably pride themselves on being decent and in good order, quoting 1 Corinthians 14:37-40:
“Anyone who claims to be a prophet, or to have spiritual powers, must acknowledge that what I [St. Paul] am writing to you [the nascent church in Corinth] is a command of the Lord. Anyone who does not recognize this is not to be recognized. So, my friends, be eager to prophesy, and do not forbid speaking in tongues; but all things should be done decently and in good order."
Late yesterday evening, as the solitary reporter was transformed into a 1969-era hippie at a John Fogerty concert in a suburb of Denver, he received an urgent cell phone call from Wilson.
“SR,” the leading evangelical leader said, in a voice reeking of quiet desperation, “I’ve been praying ceaselessly for Brother Donald.”
“As you know,” Wilson continued, “Oklahoma does not elect Democrats, and Mr. Trump is leading the Republican field, and many of my friends in the Republican political elite here in Oklahoma are convinced that he’s going to win the nomination in Cleveland next July.”
“Nobody, with the possible exception of you, is giving Bernie a chance, so I am very worried that our next president will be Donald Trump, because the Lord does not countenance women being elected to any positions of responsibility in government, whether in the government of the Church, or in the civil government."
“But even though Mr. Trump calls himself a Christian, as I watch him going around the country irritating thousands of people by disrespecting them, it’s clear to me that the man needs prayer. Will you help me out?”
Within minutes, the solitary reporter tore himself unwillingly away from the concert just as Fogerty was singing “Fortunate Son,” the singer’s famous protest song, and he was immediately teleported to Denver International Airport and was on an airplane to Tulsa.
As Trump brashed toward Wilson and the solitary reporter at the entrance to Christ Chapel, Wilson and the solitary reporter, supported by the Angel Gabriel, laid their hands on the multibillionaire. The solitary reporter noticed that there were unmistakable signs of bird poop in Trump’s hair, so he put on sterilized plastic gloves and did his best to save the very devil.
Wilson, of course, had much better luck.
After an arduous half-hour, Trump said through an intermediary that he realizes that his presidential campaign will be greatly helped if he repents in his vaguely Presbyterian capacity and acknowledges two things: first, he realizes that he has to be nicer to assertive women like Megyn Kelly, and, second, he would have more cred if he were to agree to receive the proffered honorary degree in Basic Gynecology.
As he left the chapel, Trump told one of his numerous flunkies, “Howdja like that! I’ve got those stupid evangelicals’ all lined up.”
Immediately, pundits such as David Brooks and Mark Shields began explaining that Trump’s Secretary of Defense will be Donald Trump.