CLEVELAND — This evening, Fox News held the first of its two so-called debates among Republican presidential candidates.
The event was held in the Quicken Loans Arena, the same venue where the GOP will hold its presidential nominating convention in July.
The Arena was filled to its capacity of 20,562. A solitary reporter was the only Democrat in the audience.
On the stage appeared nine Republican presidential candidates and one Donald Trump.
Eager as always to attract attention to himself, Trump answered the first question from the Fox News moderators by refusing to take a pledge to support whomever (other than himself) is nominated to run for president by the Republican Party.
Trump was roundly booed by the audience, but the solitary reporter cheered, as he recalled how Bill Clinton was twice elected president because Ross Perot ran as an independent presidential candidate in 1992 and as the nominee of the Reform Party in 1996.
Ben Carson, a neurosurgeon, said that he is qualified to be president because of his skill in separating Siamese twins.
Dr. Carson, well aware that the solitary reporter is skeptical about the merits of his candidacy, performed that surgery for the solitary reporter’s benefit during one of the numerous commercial breaks. The good doctor told the solitary reporter that he would have liked to separate identical twins and rising stars in the Democratic Party Joaquin and Julian Castro from their Democratic identities, but that the odds were against it.
In addition to almost being bodily ejected from the Republican red meat event by Second Amendment activists, the solitary reporter was actually quite busy during this entertainment extravaganza. He had to separate Chris Christie from Rand Paul when they were about to slug each other on the meaning of the Fourth Amendment and how to protect America from terrorism.
The solitary reporter also closely observed mega-tycoon Trump’s body language. At various times, he appeared to be doing an extremely poor job of performing tai chi, trying to impress the Chinese, whom he heartily dislikes because we owe them so much money.
The final softball question tossed to the ten candidates was whether God had spoken to any of them.
Ohio Governor John Kasich, who only entered the presidential race on July 21, responded by saying that he believes in miracles. Clearly, he was referring to the fact that he barely beat out former Texas Gov. Rick Perry to become the tenth candidate invited for the prime time event, while Perry was relegated to second class status to share the stage earlier in the day with Carly Fiorina, Bobby Jindal, Jim Gilmore, Rick Santorum, George Pataki, and Lindsey Graham.