ALTIPLANO PRISON, MEXICO — For a man as filthy rich and powerful as Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump, it was a piece of cake.
On Saturday evening at 9 PM, Mexico’s most notorious drug lord, Joaquin Guzmán (“El Chapo”) Loera, escaped from this, Mexico’s highest security prison. El Chapo is the head of the notorious Sinaloa Cartel. This hombre has been indicted in seven American federal courts on charges that include narcotics trafficking and murder.
Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto had promised his fellow Mexicans that El Chapo, who escaped from a high-security Mexican prison in 2001, would never escape again. Conveniently enough, Pena Nieto was in France on a state visit. Our associate solitary reporter, Lewis Thompson, is convinced that Mr. Pena Nieto will remain in France indefinitely after being so humiliated by El Chapo’s escape.
FBI Director James Comey notified Attorney General Loretta Lynch within 30 minutes of the escape.
Ms. Lynch is well aware that the rule of law has always been a big problem in Mexico, and she knew that she had to make use of highly unusual methods to help Mexico capture such a notorious Mexican criminal.
As a solitary reporter, pretending to be astonished, observed, Ms. Lynch called Donald Trump. She is well aware that The Donald, the most brash, conspicuously obnoxious version of the male species ever to appear in front of a television camera, let alone run for president of the most powerful, exceptional nation in the world, has infamously proclaimed that the greater part of all illegal immigrants from Mexico are murderers and rapists.
“Mr. Trump, Sir,” Ms. Lynch began. “I need your help. I have sworn the solitary reporter here to secrecy.”
After the Attorney General told Trump that she needed him to capture El Chapo dead or alive, Trump dispatched his best mafioso friends from his gambling enterprises to Mexico City.
Shortly afterwards, Mr. Trump called Lynch and told her, “Loretta honey, you owe me big time. After my thugs captured him, I spat in his face. See, I was right: most Mexicans are not only criminals, they are really bad criminals. Come down here and pick him up.”
At RNC headquarters, Chairman Reince Priebus, who has been working 24/7 to get Trump to tone down his inflammatory rhetoric, was in despair. He knows full well that with this brazen act of machismo, Trump, already leading in the polls, is certain to clinch the nomination in Cleveland in one year and five days, meaning that Hillary will win the presidency in a walk.