ATHENS — After learning that Greek voters voted overwhelmingly earlier today against the rest of Europe by refusing to accept increased austerity measures and other economic reforms, a solitary reporter was teleported to the National Bank of Greece, where he somehow managed to con a careless security guard into granting him entrance, even though the bank was closed.
Slipping through an invisible curtain, the solitary reporter made off with €10 million, shoved them into his backpack, and teleported himself back to the United States, all within the twinkling of an eye.
Once he arrived back in Denver, our associate solitary reporter, Lewis Thompson, asked him how he managed to whisk himself and all those euros past the Greek equivalent of the TSA. “That was easy, Lewis,” the solitary reporter said. “From memory, I recited to them from The Odyssey, in Homeric Greek, the passage where the hero, Odysseus, manages to pass between Scylla and Charybdis. It worked like a charm."
In Ankara, Turkey’s president, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, ordered an invasion of his nation’s ancient foe by the Turkish Land Forces. As of press time, Turkish soldiers had captured the Parthenon and the Acropolis, and had set up a massive defense perimeter to defend Greece from ISIS.
In Brussels, Donald Tusk, the President of the European Council, called on all member nations of the European Union other than Greece to close their borders.
UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon appealed for calm.