KENNEDY SPACE CENTER, FLORIDA — After being informed by a solitary reporter of today’s Supreme Court decision upholding gay marriage, 44-year-old Louisiana Governor Piyush Jindal, the most vocal of all GOP presidential wannabes on the subject of religious liberty, and The Reverend Mike Huckabee, who hails from Hope, Arkansas, were propelled in an Orion Multi-Purpose Crew Vehicle into the stratosphere. The Orion MPCV holds up to four people.
Jindal, a Roman Catholic, and Huckabee, a Baptist preacher, blasted off moments ago in NASA’s Orion MPCV.
Before the blastoff, the solitary reporter offered a pastoral prayer to Jindal and Huckabee. The solitary reporter also offered to accompany them and perform their marriage ceremony, but at that, they snarled, and told him to get lost in space. Both candidates were so incensed by today’s landmark decision in Obergefell v. Hodges that they simultaneously demanded that NASA send them into space.
Tea Party presidential candidate Rand Paul, by contrast, preferred to stay on the ground. He tweeted his followers and asked them what they think of the ruling. “Good job, Rand,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said.
Campaigning in Iowa, Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker called for a constitutional amendment to allow the States to to uphold the principle of States’ Rights and overturn Obergefell. Our associate solitary reporter, Lewis Thompson, told Walker to go back to Madison and meet with the legislators there, all of whom have faulted him for running for president instead of helping the legislature pass a budget for the Badger State.
Donald Trump and Charles and David Koch called NASA Administrator Charles Bolden and peremptorily told him that under no circumstances would any of them offer to pay for getting Jindal and Huckabee out of the way, even though all three of them could easily do so.
As soon as he learned that Jindal and Huckabee were on the Orion, former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum, a Roman Catholic, tried to reach the solitary reporter to complain that he was not allowed to be on the Orion.
Boy wonder Marco Rubio, who is even younger than Jindal, and who is known for his hyper-hawkish views on fighting Islamic terrorists, said he hopes that the Orion MPCV will immediately land on Abu Bakr al-Baghdad, the leader of ISIS.
Former New York Gov. George Pataki was scratching his head wondering where former New York senator Hillary Clinton is raising money at the moment. Pataki, who announced his candidacy for the Republican nomination on May 28, was closeted with one of his few remaining advisers, trying to figure out how to reconfigure his picture on Wikipedia to make him look slightly less constipated.
Meanwhile, in Washington, Chief Justice John Roberts, who was vilified by the conservative Republican hierarchy yesterday for upholding the Affordable Care Act, suddenly and precipitously found himself back in the good graces of the GOP because he dissented in Obergefell.
In his dissent, Roberts pointed out that five lawyers, and not anybody’s legislature, made the decision.
In an aside to our associate solitary reporter in Washington, Susan Sherman, Roberts confided “The Irish did it the right way."