MASON NECK, VIRGINIA —Conservative Union Foundation Chairman Carly Fiorina, the only woman running against eighteen men (including former IRS Commissioner Mark Everson and perennial Republican presidential candidate Jack Fellure) for the GOP presidential nomination, told a solitary reporter moments ago, “SR, I’m gonna do my best to grab Sepp Blatter’s bladder, and his cojones, too.”

“Metaphorically, of course. I’m not a surgeon, but here in my beautiful kitchen, I have a lot of really sharp knives.”

The solitary reporter was visiting the former CEO of HP at her home here in Fairfax County, Virginia, just outside Washington, a city where politicians used to be able to write laws.

Yesterday, Blatter, the king of the world’s most popular sport, resigned abruptly from his position as the top honcho at FIFA, only four days after beating out Jordanian Prince Ali bin Hussein for the presidency of that global organization.

“SR, don’t tell anybody, but I know I don’t have a chance in the upcoming GOP pre-primaries and primaries against all those hombres.”

“So, now that Sepp has proved himself unwilling to use antiseptics on himself and clean up his act (since he is afraid to travel to either Canada or the United States), I know that I can dribble a soccer ball as well as any man on the planet.”

“It’s clear to me that Sepp Blatter has far more dictatorial power than the president of the United States. And running FIFA will be a good way for me to get back to running things the way I like to."

RNC Chairman Reince Priebus, in a closed-door staff meeting, expressed relief. Priebus got his start in Republican politics in Wisconsin, the home state of American Progressivism, and the solitary reporter is betting that Priebus will do his best, behind the scenes, to get Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker to beat out the 17 other GOP and quasi-GOP presidential wannabes, now that Fiorina is going after Blatter’s job.

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